THE MOST IMPORTANT NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR!

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/12/19/spears.pregnant.feedback/index.html

Well I hope you are excited as I am, it's been a long time coming, but I knew 2007 would pull though. This, my friends, is the MOST IMPORTANT NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR! Now make sure you're sitting down and not awkwardly standing with your laptop in your hands trying to hold it level and scroll using the touch pad at the same time. Okay here it goes.....

JAMIE LYNN SPEARS is PREGGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES! WE DID IT!

THANK YOU GOD! Just when you thought it couldn't get any more trashy than Britney, Jamie Lynn comes in and does this. I have to say this was the highlight of my year, this is definitely better than anything Britney has done, even shaving her head... why? because Britney has an excuse, she is old, washed up, and just completely crazy. But as far as trashy goes Jamie Lynn has proved she has got what it takes to carry on the family name. At 16 Jamie Lynn just became the pregnant girl you sit next to in math. DAMN! No longer will we refer to her as the "normal" one! YES! This couldn't get any better. I have to say here at The News Report (TNR) we have already switched the name of our "Holiday Fun Party" to "Jamie Lyn Spears is a whore! Let's Drink!" I don't know if that is even a good name but we just keep saying it!

You thought Sean Preston was going to turn out bad? just wait until you see the sequel... Seriously Jamie Lyn just got her license! She isn't even expected to drive well yet! What hijinks are in store for 2008? Only time will tell! I wonder if they will write in a pregnancy plot twist for her Nickelodeon show? That show is so unbelievably awful I'm sure the viewers won't notice anyway. Here are some suggestions:

Have Jamie Lynn's character get impregnated by aliens....

or Have Jamie Lynn's character get infested with tape worms...

or Have Jamie Lynn's character have to wear a "pregnancy suit" at school.

So now for the best part! What?! You thought it couldn't get any better?!!!?!?!?! OH BUT IT DOES! Duhhhhh!!!!! what about the parents of the fans?? Reactions?!!

Evidently parents are in shock and awe about the fact that Britney Spears' sister is a giant whore! What will my kids think?! She's 16!?! I know for a fact that no 16 yr old has ever even thought about sex, they just don't know the mechanics. It's a pretty complicated thing to do. I know I need at least 75 to 80 mins to even start thinking about thinking about it, because I mean I have to take my laundry to the laundry mat and by the time I put my shoes on and walk three blocks, then I'm going to be cold and I will just want to make macaroni, and then by the time I eat that it will be time to go to sleep because I need at least 9.5 hours in order to not be a dick at work tomorrow. so ALL I'M SAYING IS it's not like kids that are 16 are even thinking about sex, Jamie Lynn is a freak. and we should treat her as such.

This all comes when the movie "Juno" is in theaters, which is about a 16 yr old girl who is pregnant, and it's getting rave reviews! It may also be one of the worst movies ever, full of hipster bullshit. But that movie takes the hipster philosophy which I think Jamie Lynn should adopt. Just complain about everything, be "too good" for absolutely everything, and then once you have the baby everything will go back to normal and everybody will be okay and happy!


Stay tuned for a special News Report in the coming weeks...


"The News Report does The Spears's... At the same Time!"

A rich person's dog worth more than lives of poor family of 3

http://www.kitv.com/family/14878295/detail.html

HONOLULU, yeah I know you've lost interest already. I mean who cares about islands anyway, the way I see it is, they should go back where they came from. I don't need islands coming in to my ocean and pushing me around! Go to H-E-Double hockey sticks Islanders! You don't even make sense, island people. Okay so I guess some guy on a golf course got his dog stolen! OH MY GOD! This story really needed to make the long journey across the ocean, but wait, there's a twist! I guess the people who stole it killed it and ate it because their family needed to eat. HOW DARE THEY! That guy at the golf course had named the dog after his Caddy! the dogs name was Caddy! I mean seriously I am in total shock that this guy wouldn't just starve his family! Caddy's life was obviously way more important! Now who is the owner going to play catch with! But there is good news! now the guy who stole the dog to feed his family is going to face charges, and with any luck he will end up in jail where they will serve him meals every day! A true Christmas miracle!


.... rest of family will just die I guess. True Christmas Miracle!

Abbott & Costello Write the News

Headline: WHO probes Pakistan's first bird flu death

-I don't know. Who probes Pakistan's first bird flu death?
- I told you. WHO probes Pakistan's first bird flu death.

Comedy writers are on strike. And we can tell.

I want everyone to be very afraid of this bird flu epidemic. You will likely die from it. In fact, to serve the public, I'd like to name a few other things that you are equally as likely to die from: drowning in the shower, toxic wallpaper dye inhalation (hey, it happened to Napoleon), being mauled by a polar bear, choking on a pen top, and freezing to death while attempting to stuff a chicken with snow. My advice? Avoid showering, wallpaper, polar bears, pens, snow, and chicken, especially chicken, and you will not die this holiday season or ever.

Finally! A Practical Use for Animals!

Well, my dreams have finally come true. For years I watched The Flintstones and tried mixing cement in a pelican's mouth and using a hummingbird's beak to play my records, but unlike my prehistoric idols, I've ended up nothing but scratches (on my face and records) and nasty messes on my carpet. Science is finally on the same page as Hannah Barbarah. In Japan, they have used an electric eel to light a Christmas tree. I know you're thinking "wait, they just did that now? I mean, we've known about the electric eel for a while now and we just found a way to use it for electricity? We're really not that bright." Or maybe thinking "The Japanese celebrate Christmas? (shrug)." But, you know what this means, right? All this pissing and moaning about energy crises can stop! We can just exploit the animals. Where were you on that one Al Gore? So eels will power cars and computers and airplanes and phone chargers. They're portable, light-weight, and pocket-size (if you roll them up a la Bubble Tape).

Now, while I congratulate the Japanese for developing this "technology," I also have to give them a disapproving head shake. It seems eel is a delicacy in Japan. So, Japan: STOP EATING MY PORTABLE POWER OUTLET! I have margaritas to blend. Also, with all the free time you'll have not eating eels, please make a power adapter so we can use them in the US.

Opossums are also ugly and abundant. Can we do something with them?

Army pays WWII vet $725 just so you can have excuse to ignore the homeless ones. Thanks Army!

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/12/12/soldier.back.pay/index.html

So who hasn't been in this situation. You're sitting in a restaurant, eating lobster, steamed, just a hint of butter, delicious. You also ordered the garlic bread and some of those cheesy rolls, then you top it off with that nice vintage wine that Paula has just been "raving" about. Then you go outside after the nice meal, and see a sick, disgusting, nasty, scum of the earth, trashy, bacteria infested, rotting, festering, old WWII vet begging for money or "just a bite to eat." It ruins your night right?! I hate it! Well usually we all just keep walking and try not to make eye contact (because that really sets them off) but then you feel like you should have a slight bit of guilt. Well not anymore! The army paid a WWII vet $725 for wrongful imprisonment. Well this is great news! I personally chose to not look at any of the pictures of the guy, it just makes it easier. So the good news is that now when a homeless person asks for change just say "HEY didn't you get 725 dollars the other day?!". Next Point: Old people are looting the treasury, We don't have money to spend on stupid things like sick and homeless people, we need to send money to Iraq or as I call it now. "Operation: not as bad as you think, seriously I swear" Which means that when all the Iraq vets are homeless and crazy we can all be like "Hey! didn't we already give you billions of dollars?! you should have invested better, that's all I'm saying! or maybe just not have been born so poor. Why did you join the army anyway?! don't you have enough money to pay your way through school? I mean I had enough money to go to an Ivy League and study "major undetermined" and if I can do that than anybody can! see, story of inspiration! anything is possible if you just get born white upper class and attractive! Try that next time! Ya know I believe in reincarnation so..... maybe you should think about not spending so much time trying to survive and get moving on speeding up the dieing process, you'll be born rich before you know it!" Now if you do this right you'll be able to convince them to jump in front of the next train and then its like BAM! no more annoying person to ignore! turn on your iPod your day just got a little bit brighter!

I Always Wanted a Big Brother

Headline: As Ask Erases Little, Google and Others Keep Writing About You

We at The News Report are the "others" they're talking about. Yeah, we know all about you. And just like in high school, we're going to talk about you behind your back. We've heard you've gotten really fat and that your acne never cleared up. Oh, we know all about that back-alley abortion too. What a whore you are. Who was the baby daddy... oh, that's right, you don't know. You can go ahead and blame it on your workaholic father, or never moving beyond the "phallic" stage of development, but we all know that you just like the attention. We saw you making out with Brian behind the bleechers at homecoming. Oh we all know about you... and we're talking.

Good luck with that bedwetting problem,
The News Report

Fred Thompson: "Is this over yet? can we get KFC? pleeeeease!!!"

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2007/12/11/fred-thompson-is-done-with-new-hampshire/

Republicans hoping for a real talking robot boy microphone and play set for Christmas, will be sadly disappointed. Due to the fact that "real talking robot boy microphone and play set" or Fred Thompson will no longer be campaigning in New Hampshire. He is currently running fifth in the state and said "it was time to go, fifth is good enough for me" Thompson doesn't seem to realize that if you don't win there's really no point in wasting all of that money that could have, oh I don't know.. helped sick children or something. Campaign manager Dirk Ferdson said, "Fred is on Law and Order, so we think that polls really don't matter in this situation. 'dunh dunh' see when people hear that they think law and order and... oh well to tell you the truth I don't really know where this is going. We are just kind of dicking around..." However Thompson has been running a solid campaign based on the issues of making teen mothers ruin their lives to "put them in their place" and well that's really the only issue, he's almost hard to make fun of because he is so irrelevant.

Breeder's Cup: Not Just for Horses Anymore

Headline: Breeders' Cup adds three new races for 2008

After a 50 year absence, the Breeder's Cup is finally adding new races for humans. The races stopped in the mid-1950's because of the Irish monopoly in all three races: Number, Proximity of Births, and Baby Weight (all those potatos). But due to some recent trends, it now seems there will be enough competition to warrant the reinstatement of these races. The front runners continue to be the irrepressable Irish, but you can also expect the Trailer Trash to make a good showing. And, though The News Report does not encourage illegal gambling, I'm going to put all my money on the Christian Fundamentalists this year. You've all seen The Duggars on The Discovery Channel. That time when they met that other Christian family and their litter. Man, oh man, the Christian Fundamentalists will be hard to beat this year. It looks like the Irish's only hope is if they decide to add a Social Skills race and/or drinking race.

CNN.com promises more than it can deliver. Think about that before you swear that "CNN.com is a really great guy" and go on that first date.

http://www.cnn.com/POLITICS/

Readers of CNN.com's Politics page were slightly put off when they were trying to waste time again today. An In-Depth report into the matter revealed this: CNN.com is trying to run more stories than they have and we caught them. Now wait just one second there mister before you run outside telling all of your "bud's" that they can "suck it because you won the CNN.com bet that you guys placed last Friday in the waiting room of Chilli's while there were obviously tables open." CNN.com pulled a fast one today and I for one am hurt. I read CNN.com almost everyday, I check in with politics, and I look at all of the different stories, and it's like Christmas everyday, but today it was like coming down those stairs on Christmas morning and just seeing a pile of dirty laundry with a dead bird next to it (and it even looked like it had been there for a couple days but I guess you just didn't notice). If you look at the headlines listed you will notice that there are three that really like that Oprah and Obama's names start with an "O". Another three that really want Mitt Romney to be interesting, and then the writers got really lazy and just stuck the same article on there twice about Huckabee. The truth is, those stories just aren't even really that great to start out with! come on why don't you take a cue from us here at TheNewsReport, if news is boring then just MAKE IT UP! No one is really going to care anyway, you may even get to put an impoverished nation in it's place when you're doing it! I'm talking about you "Democratic Republic of Congo!" Who wouldn't enjoy a good story about Romney's three secret wives?! I know I would! What about that hot new lead I got today about McCain's Vietnamese love child who has just come back into his life?! That's news gold! There you can have it! Make it grow. Remember you report the truth, and that won't change even if you make the stories up. People will still believe every word you say. CNN.com we can get through this, I believe in you.

Tapes of al Qaeda interrogations destroyed: Taped over with football game and episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond"

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/12/06/cia.videotapes/index.html

CIA Director, Michael Hayden, stated today that a number of al Qaeda interrogations tapes had been destroyed. Hayden downplayed the news by stating "there was nothing really of note on them, just mainly footage of a pizza party we had on September 11th, no not celebrating that. It was a birthday for one of the inmates and we always have pizza and cake whenever it is an inmates birthday." When asked why the tapes had been taped over with an episode of the hit series "Everybody Loves Raymond" he responded saying, "Well, I mean, simply put, it was a really great episode! Raymond didn't want to eat the sandwich that his wife had made, and it reminded me of something MY wife once did!" All of the reporters laughed and said that they "could understand the situation" Hayden then promised that it "wouldn't happen again." He even stated that he "Crossed his heart, hoped to die, stick a needle in his eye." So we said "Fair enough!" and that was that! Nothing shady there! Then we all gathered around and watched ABC family. It was a nice quite evening at home with Hayden and the news gang, then we all got into bed together and had a pillow fight! WHAT A NIGHT!

Bush writes his true feelings for Kim Jong-il. Slips Note in his locker.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/06/world/asia/06cnd-korea.html?hp

President Bush wrote a letter today to the North Korean leader Kim Jong-il, the two have had a fiery relationship in the press, and as we find tonight they may have an even steamier relationship in private. TheNewsReport has acquired an un-edited copy of the letter that George W. Bush sent earlier today. It is transcribed below, we scanned a copy so you can see the actual letter just click on the image of it to see a larger copy.

Letter:

Dear Kim Kim,

You know... I've been thinking... and well the truth is, I like you, like a lot. We both have so much in commen. We both have big houses and Remember that time I played you in checkers, you won... then we ate popcorn and watched golden girls all night!? That was great, LET'S DO IT Again! I met Betty White last fall and she is just as great in person!
So... my point is. I think we are great for each other. We are both crazy and I know how you really want to take over the world, well so do I. I know the real you... will you please get to know the real me?

I Love You... There I said it.

Will you be with me tonight?

Circle one: Yes/No

XOXO

-Always Yours,
Bushy
-------------
I can go all night....

-END OF LETTER-

No Fat Chicks

Headline: Overweight children face premature heart attacks, strokes

I couldn't believe this when I read it either. To get the full story, I went to Dr. Faux the head of Obese Adolescent Studies at Ivy League University.
The News Report (TNR): Good morning Dr. Faux, thanks for meeting with me.
Dr. Faux: My pleasure.
TNR: Please tell me about your recent studies.
Dr. Faux: We've discovered that children that are obese are likely to suffer premature heart attacks and strokes.
TNR: You don't say.
Dr. Faux: Yes, they are not immune to heart problems at we had originally thought.
TNR: So you're saying these children's bodies react the same way as adults?
Dr. Faux: That's exactly what I'm saying.
TNR: Fascinating. Have you tried any other studies?
Dr. Faux: Well it's still in its beginning stages, but I can tell you this much: like adults, children will bleed if you prick them.
TNR: What color is the blood?
Dr. Faux: I couldn't believe it myself, but it was a reddish color with tones of brown.
TNR: But, wait a minute doctor, I don't mean to call you a liar, but how is that possible? I mean, that is the same color as adult blood. That is a rather strange coincidence. Wouldn't you agree?
Dr. Faux: I'm glad you're sitting down. We believe there may be a connection between adults and children.
TNR: (Faints)

Scientists will further investigate this supposed "relationship" and The News Report will be right there with the story.

In the meantime, I would avoid children because if they bite you, you may become one of them. And, as previously reported, they may be serial killers in disguise.

Toddler that shot and killed 23 yr. old man, actually notorious serial killer Jack Vance in disguise.

http://www.news4jax.com/news/14782593/detail.html

A toddler that was thought to have killed a man by pulling the trigger of a loaded gun was revealed to actually be the 65 yr. old serial killer Jack Vance in disguise. Evidence came to light when a security camera revealed the toddler driving to the building getting out of his car [the car has since been identified as Vance's] and walking past security unnoticed. The notorious killer known for killing as many as 40 people in the mid 60's escaped from prison in 1999 and was thought to be "out of the country on business," or at least that is what his AIM away message always said, authorities took the away message for truth because "who really lies on their away message?" Many took the discovery that Vance was still in the country and disguised as a toddler as a shock. As one worried mother put it, "how do I know my toddler isn't a 65 yr. old serial killer?" she told us that she has already taken steps to contain and isolate her toddler because "you can never be too sure."

If you have questions on whether or not your child is actually a serial killer in disguise TheNewsReport has established a hotline that you can call: 1-888-myKiller, give us a description of your child and we will easily be able to tell you over the phone. However, 90% of the time the child actually is an older man in disguise and should be considered very dangerous, take the appropriate steps to contain the child and/or put them down.

Audience stunned when Romney's "Kennedy" Moment quickly turns into Romney's "Senior" moment

http://www.time.com/time/politics/article/0,8599,1691319,00.html

There's no words to describe what happened at Mitt Romney's religion speech, because Romney had no word's to describe it himself! Early reports say that the Soon-to-be-President and Dictator, got up behind the podium and just "simply forgot" what he was going to say! It's a common scene in any college or high school speech class. Romney when asked to comment said, "It's like I had this speech all planned out and everything and then I got up there and it was all like 'Bam!' and it was just gone!" Some were saying this could be Romney's "Kennedy" moment, even though Romney's policies and really nothing about him is even close to "Kennedy-esque." We here at TheNewsReport have obtained a copy of the official transcript of the speech, it's short so we will display it unedited:

[Romney approaches the podium, behind him is a with text that says "President's: The real Latter Day Saint's"]

Introducer [Russ]: Here he is Mitt "the shit" Romney. Because He's the Shit!

Mitt: We get it Russ, you're really clever. But thanks anyway! uh........ Well what I came here tonight to speak on is. uhhh......hmm.. well I'll be damned! ... No Muslims in my cabinet!

[The audience cheered and Mitt left the podium]

Early commentators are already saying that Romney's "Senior" moment was one of his best. Conservative columnist Phil Philbanks says, "The move was definitely not traditional, but brilliant all the same. This really will appeal to the American people, it makes him seem stupider, more like one of them."

Other Romney moments of note: Romney's "Hitler" moment, in which he said he wanted to double the size of Git-mo, and Romney's "too much self tanner" moment, seriously Romney you can see the self tan blotches all over your hands. We know it's not real.

Biggest Fruit Success Since Nathan Lane!

Headline: Orange Sells 30,000 iPhones in First Five Days in France

Orange is selling iphone like hotcakes apparently. This is quite an achievement for a fruit of very little brain and no hands, eyes, mouth, or internal organs. He probably even has a dial-up connection. This article surprised me because the Orange was not even American, so I thought what other country could produce a healthy treat with so much drive and innovation? France. France? Really? They haven't done anything but suck since the crepe! But apparently Orange has been partners with Apple for awhile now. This leads me to give one piece of advice to you faithful News Report readers. Listen carefully: Invest in produce. Fruit, if possible, vegetables also okay.

Rapper found dead in LA hotel: Will still release 7 albums after death.

http://www.click2houston.com/news/14775146/detail.html

Rapper "Pimp C" was found dead in a Los Angeles hotel room today. Producers say that even though some would consider the death a setback, they still plan to release a "gazillion" albums in his name. Producer Lee B-Rock said, "well see, we have had a lot of experience with artists like Biggie, Ja Rule, and Ma$e, now it is possible to keep the artists voice alive even long after they cease to exist. The technique has been used in almost every hit song Cher has ever released!"
Some Pimp C albums that are already in the works include "Back from the Dead," "Night of the living Pimp," and "Bitch... I'll get you!" Lot's of teens are also planning on making YouTube videos to celebrate and remember the life and times of Pimp C. Early reports say that the videos will include one of his slowest songs set to a series of pictures that the user found on Google's Image search. Videos also may or may not include a videotaped intro of the teen saying that Pimp C's family is in his/her prayers.

Chimps beat humans in memory game, Humans beat Chimps in everything else.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/science/12/03/chimp.memory.ap/index.html

In this battle of wits a 5 yr old chimp was set up playing a memory game against a college student. The chimp won. TheNewsReport was on the scene, incidentally the moment the chimp won the game, it arose from its chair and began to speak, saying that "the time of the chimp" was upon us. We all just laughed and made him eat a banana to put him in his place. Later we talked to the college student, he said, "dude, I was totally wasted last night! SigChi! I'm gonna totally bang Amy tonight! Pound the rock!" we said, "What do you mean?" he said, "pound the rock!" again. We came to the conclusion that yes a 5yr old chimp did beat a college student in a memory game, but what we failed to mention was that the college student was a frat guy, and was high during the memory contest and thought it was, a "drinking" game. He actually tied to take a drink every time he missed a card, and then would keep referring to the chimp as "little man." As we all know, the North American Fratasapious Homophoborus has an IQ that is equivalent to that of a retarded goldfish. So I would have to say these results are a little skewed. Plus that chimp could talk! what was up with that?!

Local girl gives Elephant herpes, kills it.

http://www.kmbc.com/news/14751818/detail.html

It goes by names like Herpes, Cold Sores, or Street names like syphilis, genital warts, and AIDS; no matter what you call it we've all been there. Now so has an Elephant, and it's dead. The real killer? Shelly Anderson, a local "really big whore" who just couldn't resist elephant. When asked what her motivation in the killing was she said, "Well, ya'lls I didn't really means to kill it. I was just in here on likes a schools field trips!? and I was all likes, damn! that a big fucking elephant! I ain't never seen a thinger that big before! I just had to see if it was good in bed, if you know what I mean, and I think you do! [we do] so I just hopped right in there and did what I do best, if you know what I mean! [again, we do]" Needless to say Shelly is a role model for all. She saw something she wanted and wasn't going to let anything stop her. Ms. Anderson will also be known as the only woman in history to kill an elephant just by having sex with it. Other things she has killed by having sex with them? A turtle, a toaster, and Dr. Quinn medicine woman (the series). So Congratulations Shelly, you're a true American hero.

In other news, a baby was spawned by the encounter, and Shelly is keeping it. She says "abortion goes against her good Christian morals." She supports Fred Thompson.

Thai king puts nation in the vagina. (According to CNN.com)

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/12/01/thailand.king.ap/index.html

The title to this CNN article was "Thai king puts nation in the pink"... really? no one over there at CNN caught that? wow. okay, I know I'm not usually into these really short posts, but someone had to point this out. Maybe I will add more tomorrow.

Report: Drew Peterson, actually Boris from "Rocky and Bullwinkle"

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/12/02/missing.wife/index.html

In a startling report that surfaced today we find that Drew Peterson is actually Boris from the popular cartoon series "Rocky and Bullwinkle." We all thought that it had been decided that Jack Abramoff was actually Boris, but not so! Today "new evidence" surfaced that made it apparent that Drew Peterson, might just be "Really Shady" or "Boris" from "Rocky and Bullwinkle." Some truck drivers came forward and said they were hired to take a container to an "undisclosed position" so.... they don't know where they took it. really great drivers. good job truck driver company. I am never trusting you or Drew Peterson again! he stole my heart! and by the way. What the fuck was a middle aged cop doing married to a 20 yr old anyway? i mean really? he has a fucking mustache! why didn't anyone think that was weird?! what was that girl thinking?! what 20 yr old is attracted to a middle aged, 3 times divorced, cop. I say this because no one seems to be mentioning that. its all just like watching one of those movies where you totally know whats going to happen and you are just watching it unfold. A Lifetime movie. yes... hold on a second. I solved it. Stacy made Drew watch a Lifetime movie.

Stacy Peterson: 23

Drew Peterson: 53

Drew Peterson was 30 when she was born! 30!

I knew people that had kids when I was in middle school! (not just regular people. those really slutty girls in my 7th grade class. and we were all like..... damn. really? damn... I'm still really socially awkward, but her life peaked in 7th grade.. damn. that's going to be a long downward spiral...)

SHADY!!!!!

By the way...... wouldn't it be really funny if like right now Stacy really did turn up somewhere? having run off with another man? then we would all be like "Hey, our bad!" and then we would all get a good laugh and share drinks. awesome... that's not going to happen......



her body was stuffed in a plastic barrel.

And you thought YOUR aunt was crazy!

http://www.local10.com/news/14740373/detail.html

LAUDERHILL, Fla. a 12 yr old buy was stabbed in the eyes by his aunt who was also stabbed in the eye. Family tried to explain that it all happened when the boy found out that his aunt, who he had been sleeping with and ruling over "Thebes" (their living room) with was actually his mother. When asked for comment we were informed that the boy could not speak becasue he had chewed his tongue off. We then asked his mother (not the woman known as his aunt) about how all of this had happened, "Well see when aunt Clair comes over we all like to put on little shows in the living room, and with this show Clair and the boy just took things a little too far. It's all that damn Shakespeare's fault!" That last part set off alarm bells in our head and we went into action, here is why: The story that this all seems to be paralleling is the Greek tragedy Oedipus, and whilst Shakespeare is the known of many classic plays, this is not one of them. So we notified authorities and had a composite drawn up. The man is said to be of Caucasian descent, speaks in very "old English" and has a small beard and mustache. If you see this man, stay away and call the police! HE IS VERY VERY DANGEROUS!

GOP supports human cloning, Brings Jesus back.

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1689196,00.html?imw=Y

The GOP, a long time adversary of stem cell research, came out by saying it see's promise in a new technique that would make it possible for "those grubby little scientists" to get their "grubby little hands" on some stem cells "without crushing up babies into a stem cell puree." Head scientist, and GOP representative, Clark Honeywater said, "for a scientist that doesn't take commonplace ideas like 'evolution' seriously I have been under fire lately, but I think that's all about to change, after this latest discovery." He went on to say, "human cloning just isn't the way to go on this issue, something else had to be developed." When a reporter joked and said, "hey, wouldn't it be nice to bring back Reagan!" Everyone laughed, and then Honeywater kept laughing, but not like a normal laugh, like one of those awkward, it kind of goes on to long laughs. Then his laugh started echoing and an organ started playing in the background. It was creepy. Honeywater bid us farewell by saying, "If, you'll excuse me I must be off to my lair... I mean laboratory... have a nice evening" but he didn't fool anyone, we all clearly heard Honeywater say "lair". The reporter's and I then grabbed a dog, put on 70's clothes, and jumped in a van called the "Unsolved Quandary Machine" and set off into the night to play music and figure out what was going on up at old Honeywater's castle.

Park considers raising ride after rider loses feet, but just install's sign instead.

http://www.wlky.com/news/14731013/detail.html

So the Superman ride, at Six Flags, Kentucky, is responsible for a 13yr old girl losing her feet. Park officials sought to cover up the story and "just play it off as an Urban Legend" and even got the story included in an upcoming Urban Legend movie. But after long consideration, and media attention, park officials were thinking about raising the ride, but instead just installed a sign that says "Lift feet here." Park manager Bill Christen said it all came down to cost, "you see, it's like we have these issues of cost and it's just cheaper, more cost effective, to install the sign instead of raise the entire ride two more feet off the ground, I mean we can't pander to everybody, what if a really really tall guy comes in? What will we do then? Anyway I don't think this girl will be a problem anymore, because I think she's too short to actually ride the roller coaster now." We checked that last fact and it's true. We sat down with the girl, Cindy Link, to see what her take on the story was:

Cindy: Hey guys!

TheNewsReport (TNR): Hey.

Cindy: What are you guys up to?

TNR: What? wait why do you keep saying guys? There's only one of us, me.

Cindy: Okay, yeah that's cool.

TNR: Let's just get on with this... so how are you getting along at school?

Cindy: Oh pretty well.

TNR: Could you please elaborate?

Cindy: Well, I can't really walk now.

TNR: Do the other kids at school make fun of you? They do don't they, what do they say? Do they call you things like "Stumps" or "Slut"?

Cindy: Well if they say anything I just laugh it off and say that Superman cut off my feet!

TNR: That's Impossible.

Cindy: What? That's what happened?

TNR: The super hero Superman took off your feet.

Cindy: yes.

TNR: The superhero that was sent to earth and powered by the sun's rays, in order to fight crime and save children cut off your feet?

Cindy: yes.

TNR: You obviously don't know anything about superhero's

Cindy: What? You're not making any sense.

TNR: I'm not making sense? You're the one that just said the superhero, sent from galaxies far away just to come and help people like you out, cut off a 13yr old girls feet!

Cindy: Stop!

TNR: NO YOU STOP! THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER, WHORE!

Evel Knievel dies. Kanye West vows to take his place.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/11/30/obit.knievel/index.html

The world is in mourning today after famed stunt man and dumbass Evel Knievel died. The stunt that finally did him in? Walking to the living room. Kanye West took the news lightly saying, "does this mean that motherfucker is done suing me now? Screw him, I'll take his place! George Bush hates black people!" He then lifted up his arms and flew away. His posse was still standing there. When asked where West had gone they said, "he probably had to go storm onto a stage where he had lost an award somewhere." As you all know, this is a double whammy for West he just lost his mother a little over a week ago and now the guy that is suing him dies, it's all almost too much to take. I'm getting teary-eyed thinking about it. And who can forget that dramatic Larry King interview that was the talk of the town for a couple days, when Donna Wests' surgeon got up and left the interview! THAT WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT STORY EVER! okay what were we talking about? oh. so ol' what's-his-jump-over-things-face died. but he's been kinda washed up for a while. so............

DONE!

And How Is Football Not Homoerotic?

http://cbs.sportsline.com/nfl/story/10503332

Headline: Iron man Favre dinged up by quiet Cowboy

This sounds like the sequel to "Brokeback Mountain." Like "Football Fags: Grab-ass on the Field." Note: I'm not using "fags" in the way that will get me hate mail, I'm using it in the way that Eminem uses it and doesn't get in trouble and consequently gets the privilege of working with Elton John.

So someone finally took out Brett Farve. It was only a matter of time as Farve is pushing 80 and only 1 season away from being replaced by the Farvebot 3000 (See BotMaster post). We finally have the technology! Thanks for hanging in there, Brett!

With a story like this there's little to say but "In Yo' Face, Katie Grace! (My know-it-all sister who thinks she has the best fantasy football team because Farve has been a desimating cannon to my team all season). LOOK WHO'S GOT THE BEST TEAM NOW MUTHA FUCKA!

The World: A little less hot today. Global Warming Experts Rejoice.

http://www.wsbtv.com/news/14736374/detail.html

We here at The News Report, know that you all, like ourselves, value the lives of good looking people a little more than those of regular looking people. That is why this story of a NATIONAL TRAGEDY about 3 high school cheerleaders dieing in a random car crash is very important. I mean think about it, what are the other kids at that poor school going to do? Who are they going to stare at in the hallway? Who are they going to gossip about? And who are they going to call a slut behind their back? This news report doesn't have a very good picture of the girls but let's hope, for the other students sake, that these were the three "not as hot" cheerleaders on the team. They are always there, the couple girls on the cheerleading team that just aren't really that hot, you know it's true.
When reached for comment, Susan Palmer, a fellow cheerleader said, "Like, I can't believe they would do this to us, the big game is next week! Like we do this cheer where we spell out V-I-C-T-O-R-Y! and they were the C, T, and Y. I don't know what we are going to do! But they better not even try out for squad next year becasue there is NO WAY Tiffany will let them on!"

Wait a second... Why is this news. Sure it's sad, but the only reason it's getting reported on is becasue they are attractive. You thought you had me, but I caught you News. Not so dumb now am I!

After Scientist spends 8 years making Hi-Def map of Antarctica, realizes it was a waste of time. Makes Lunch..

http://www.voanews.com/english/2007-11-29-voa38.cfm

Scientists recently unveiled a new Hi-Def map of Antarctica, 8 years in the making. Wait, 8 YEARS?! You can even download the map and look at it now. It's Friday. Looking for something to do? I mean I really thought that my life was lacking in the area of extremely detailed maps of nothing. But Seriously, it's these kinds of stories that make science look so lame, and I know that most of you scientists out there will embrace it and say you're a "nerd" and laugh and such and then your girlfriend will come up and be wearing a shirt with a picture from a children's television show from the early 90's on it, and you guys will think you're really hip and cool, and geeky. You're not! 8 years for a map of snow?! Come on!? I mean you can say that you want to get a nice snapshot of it because it will be gone soon, but by that time we will be living in Waterworld. Have you ever seen that movie?! Do you think they cared about Hi-Def photos?! NO. All they cared about was being crazy on big ships and drinking their own pee. So stop scientists. And break up with your girlfriend. SHE LIKES ANIME! that's really lame.

Police Raid Botmaster Blamed for 1 Million Infections, Police Chief says Paris Hilton is Next..

http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,140133-c,cybercrime/article.html

In apparent news from the future, police have raided someone named "Botmaster" whom I can only assume is the "Master of all Robots." Which is what leads me to believe this story is from the future. Definitely from the future. So, knowing that, here is what I can derive from this cryptic article:

1. We are definitely ruled by Robots, or there is at least a significant robot population, enough that there needs to be a "bot master"

2. We [humans] are having sex with the robots. How else would it be possible for the "bot master" to infect over 1 million people?

3. There is a special task force dedicated to thwarting the robots' world domination objectives.

Considering this, looks like the world of the future is pretty bleak. Humans and robots living alongside each other, having tons and tons of intercourse. Is that what you want? to be raped by robots?! I'm never living in the future! NEVER! I don't care what you say TIME! GET OVER IT!

CARSON DALY STILL EXISTS!

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/11/29/apontv.latenightlimbo.ap/index.html

So I was pretty sure that the teen sensation that was Carson Daly didn't exist anymore. This is to say I thought he was dead. My memory is a little foggy, but I definitely remember talking to people about how he died. I think I remember that he jumped off a bridge after he came to a self realization about how bad his late night show was. Maybe that memory was a little premature though because I guess the writers guild is all up in arms about his deciding to go back on the air without writers. But here's the real question, did that show even have writers in the first place? I mean REALLY? It is a really bad show. Have you ever seen it? I don't think there were writers on that show. There couldn't be. Okay, I'm going to write a letter to the WGA and tell them. They shouldn't be so upset, the show never had writers in the first place so it's okay.

Wait.. do writers read when they are on strike? hmmm.. I'm not sure, maybe writing them a letter isn't the best idea, postage cost too much anyway. I will just send thought waves.

Okay. DONE.

Professor Teddy Ruxbin

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/us_world/2007/11/29/2007-11-29_teddy_bear_teacher_found_guilty.html

Headline: Teddy bear teacher found guilty

Of being adorable!

But sadly, this story is not about a giant stuffed animal that teaches. It's about a human that teaches other, smaller humans in the Sudan and she allowed the kids to name the class teddy bear Muhammad. So the Sudanese are going to lock that crazy bitch up. You can't have someone like that roaming the streets.
This did however give rise to a variety of hot Christmas items like Buddha Bear, Jesus Moose, and the cuddly God Almighty Puppy. In an effort to cover all their bases, toy companies will release a Rah the Rhinocerous dolls for the small but mighty Ancient Egyptian market (big holiday shoppers).

Republican YouTube debate confirms that canidate's masturbate to pictures of Ronald Reagan.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/11/28/debate.main/index.html

In a suprising twist of fate there was a Republican YouTube debate. Most canidates thought it was a chance to appeal to the pot smoking drifter crowd, Fred Thompson saying, "aren't stoners like the one people. person. to use the internet? Stoners are the only person to use the internet. Yes I agree" To which all the other canidates nodded in agreement, except Mitt Romney who, didn't want to risk being seen with wrinkles in his neck because, "It might ruin his Ken doll image," a campain manager said.

But seriously, There was something in the air that said these canidates have greatness written all over them. They made it clear that they were willing to bend on every issue possible in order to make the Evangelicals happy.

Canidate Review:
Fred Thompson was a hit! He scored big points when he lifed up a baby that he had physically taken out of the vagina of a teenage girl. After he lifted the baby however, he dropped it on its head, and then made the 13 year old girl take the baby home and raise it. The audience went wild! When asked about Russia, Thompson responded by saying, "I think China is a big problem, NO ABORTION!" The audience started chanting, "FOUR MORE YEARS!"

Mitt Romney said that the real issue in his campain has to do with his teeth, and the commentator said, "Look at this man, isn't he perfect? He looks like he was sculped by Zeus, I think I want to elect him solely based on his looks. Yes. Lets do that!"

Rudy He just goes by his first name now becasue he "Wants people to associate him with the football movie of the same name." Same old story here, he said a lot about 9/11 and everybody thought he was smart becasue he happened to be in a city when terrorists hit it.

News Report Ads, Tell someone about the site, while telling them something else.

Hunter Convicted of Shooting other hunter claims that he got the Idea from "The Most Dangerous Game"

http://www.channel3000.com/news/14715754/detail.html

Hunter James Nichols was recently convicted of shooting another hunter, and will now serve a 69 yr prison sentence. When asked for comment Nichols responded by saying that he got the idea when he was in high school when he happened to read, "The Most Dangerous Game" unlike the rest of us who thought the story to be kind of lame and dated. Nichols began a life long plan to make the story come true, years of planning came next for the man, until his plan was perfected. His plan finally came to life when he saw another man squirrel hunting, and shot him. When Nichols was asked whether or not it was worth it he said, "well it took a lot of planning and I didnt think I would get away with it, but yeah it was was worth it, because I mean after all, it is 'The Most Dangerous Game' (He then raised his eyebrow and gave a laugh and nod in an english accent)" All of the news reporters thought that last part where he raised his eyebrow was pretty lame considering the story he was referencing, so they decided to act like they couldnt hear him when they asked the next question. This made Nichols "upset" then all of the reporters laughed at him.

Related Stories: anything Dick Cheney.

"If this doesn't stop, I may never be able to have a one night stand again!"

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/americas/11/27/holloway.arrest/index.html

Joran van der Sloot, a suspect in the Natalee Holloway disappearance came forward to complain about some of the conditions he is being held under. For instance: He isn't allowed to have rich white girls visit. "This really sucks man, can't we just forget about this? I mean, isn't there any other dead white girls? I mean come on.." His attorney agreed adding, "Come on.. yeah." Still authorities press forward even though there isn't any evidence. Authorities maintain, "There isn't a white girl where there used to be one, which means one's missing, which means somebody disposed of her... We think somebody ate the body.." Sloot maintains that Holloway, "wasn't even that good in bed" and "refused to go down on him" which is why he "ditched her body on the beach.. no, wait... left her on the beach"

Death: Not Just for Summer Anymore!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071128/ap_on_re_us/cold_weather_crossers;_ylt=AgEPoHFaAXwyjJVwjiyL5FNvzwcF
Headline: Crossing deserts risky in winter, too

For all those illegal Mexican immigrants: I know you're thinking that just because it's no longer "calor" in el desert that you can just traipse on in. Not so! I know your essay told you it would only take a few hours, but here's the news directly from The News Report, it will take longer. Now there are still people along the way to help you, but there is also at least one troop of crazy rednecks that will gun you down. It's like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book except you can't flip back the pages and pretend you didn't choose to go left directly into KKK country. Good luck, illegal immigrants. If you make it over, I have a shiny nickel and some laundry for you.

Spanish translation: BRING
A
JACKET
AND
SOME
GLOVES!
ES FRIO!

Papa Pilgrim or Creepy Kringle or Creepy Claus

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071128/ap_on_re_us/papa_pilgrim;_ylt=AhFyMXXNlIhayuSETn4fzShvzwcF

Have a look at the photo. He looks like Santa a little bit, no? Okay, fine, he looks like the shovel guy from Home Alone, at least give me that.

Many things trouble me about this story. Yes, the domestic abuse. Yes, the incest. But beyond that. This man and his wife had 15 children, so there was a woman who had sex with that at least 15 times. Ew. I also like the damn hippies who supported him using a bulldozer to clear off some land. I'm sure they're pretty red in the face now. "Good for you! Live off the land! Rebel against big government. Fight the power! Oh, oh, no. No, don't rape you're daughter. No, no, don't lock her in the she-- he locked her in the shed. Well that's just great. Aw, fuck now he's beating her - we gotta get outta here." This is why you can never trust hippies... or Papa Pilgrim.

Drew Peterson: "Seriously guys, I don't even know what you're talking about"

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/us_world/2007/11/28/2007-11-28_report_relative_fears_he_helped_cop_disp.html

This Just In: Drew Peterson looks really really guilty!

Not to harp on the Peterson story or anything but I guess a relative now thinks that he helped Drew Peterson dispose of his wifes body. He finally came forward after he thought about the other day when Drew had him help move a large container that was labeled "Not My Dead Wife" from a blood soaked bedroom. He said it took him so long to come forward becasue he just didn't think Drew was guilty, "When I asked about the lable Drew said it was just a joke, so I took it as that. Just a joke!" This wasn't the first time this has happened. The relative was also called upon to help Drew move lage containers the last time Drew's dog disappeared. He said he also helped carry containers labled "Not full of dead puppies" and "Not the murder weapon I used on my 3rd wife"

Russia to Build new space port... yes, there will be bears involved.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/space/11/21/russia.space.ap/index.html

Russia announced today that they plan to build a new spaceport and have a manned mission into space by 2018.

Ya know.. The one thing I have always said is, "What's better than Russian's?" then I look around as no one answers and then I say, "Russian's in space." This statement is true. Who can forget Sputnik! This is the Russian's finally doing what they do best, shooting giant rockets into space.
This will most definitely cement the relationship between it's space brothers, China and the U.S., as the creepy guy that arrived to the party a little too late, but has been there before, but he just went and got his new car, and kind of wants to show everybody, but no one really cares because it's "really just like" everybody else's there; but he still really thinks it's cool so they all go and look at it out of pity and then he gets all mad and peels out while holding his finger out the window, because "you aren't as impressed as you should be."

So yeah, Russia is kinda like "that guy" is so far as space race terms go. In fact, I would go as far to say they are kind of like"that guy" all the time.

what a dick.

Ever see a piece of shit that kind of looks like a baby?

http://www.kpho.com/news/14706325/detail.html

So.. this story kind of writes itself. So evidently this girl sat on the toilet and and gave birth to a baby, took the baby out of the toilet looked at it, and then put it back in the toilet and sat down again to deliver "the placenta" . nice. then when she asked her mom what to do, her mom said to put it in the garbage!


... then she took it to the hospital. where they said it was dead. (but secretly the baby was just pretending to be dead because it didn't want to face ridicule at school from all its friends for being "birthed in a toilet")

YAY AMERICA!

I mean if it was me I would have just flushed it, and then if it got stuck. I would have used a plunger, and then flushed again. Then probably plunged one more time, and then flushed again. If that didn't work, I would have just put a lot of tampons in there with it and said I was on my period......... and then took it to the hospital.

Strike: The Musical!

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/11/27/theater/27cnd-stage.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin

With stagehand strikers pirouetting the New York City streets, producers are still trying to make a buck, so they propose "Strike: The Musical!"
Featuring soon-to-be hit songs like:
"I Wanna Put My Stage Hands All Over Your Body"
"This Sign Is Heavy and It Is Cold"
"November in New York: What a Fine Fuckin' Time for a Strike"
"Seriously, I'm Freezing My Balls Off"
Reprise "I Wanna Put My Stage Hands in Some Goddamn Gloves"

Catch it at The Picket Line running indefinitely.

Letters to Myself

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=3918439&page=1
Headline: Letter Places Stacy Peterson in Ill. Grocery Store

My impression of how this went down:
Cop (or let's face it, everyone): Dude, we know you know where she is.
Drew Peterson: I don't, but I know someone who does.
Cop: Who?
Drew: I don't know, but I got this letter.
Cop: You got a letter?
Drew: Yeah, it says she's at the grocery store.
Cop: Uh, huh, so you, Drew "means and motive" Peterson, got a letter saying your wife was at a grocery store?
Drew: Yes. It gives details of which aisle she was in and what she was wearing and everything.
Cop: You know, a letter to yourself is really more of a note.
Drew: I didn't write it!
Cop: Right, but it was just sent directly to you?
Drew: Yes. Someone is interested in clearing my name.
Cop: And that someone's not you?
Drew: Right!
Cop: Well that proves it, you're free to go, Sir.
Drew: Really?
Cop: No. Get your guilty self-writing ass back on your lawyer's lap.
Cop: (underbreath): I'll get you some day Peterson.

Bride is actually terrorist: Comedian's thank news story for lots of new wife jokes!

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/meast/11/26/iraq.bride/index.html

So it appears that two Iraqi insurgents were trying to escape the country by dressing like a bride and groom. Local comedians celebrate today as they write a "whole lot" of topical, ex-wife jokes. When asked for comment comedian Judge Barr said, "It's just really great news, the ex-wife joke long ago fell into the realm of bad jokes, but I mean I've been dieing for the joke to have a re-invention. Now I can say things like 'hey did you hear this story?' or 'I saw this in the news the other day' to lead into my slew of ex-wife jokes." Needless to say the bride was hairy (like my ex). You can catch many comedians talking about the news story at any shitty bar near you!

Baby Grace. or (Insert lamest name ever)

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21966337/

Seriously. Creepiest sketch ever... i mean, imagine opening up a box and having that starring back at you.... pretty creepy.

and on another point. baby grace? can we come up with a lamer name? i mean this is one of those stories that middle aged lonely women will sit and cry over as they eat an entire "thing" of choco-choco-chip ice cream. because "they go ape for chocolate"

The Price War

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/11/20/gas.prices.shooting.ap/index.html

(Read only the STORY HIGHLIGHTS)

Then I thought this would make for a great movie starring... oh i don't know.. CHUCK NORRIS!? And then I saw how they used a bat, a pole, and a gun in the fight and I mean if you think about it that means that the guy with the gun had to say the line "well, I didn't think I was going to have to use this."But then he did have to use it, because the guy just wouldn't DIE! and then obviously they have gas stations that are right across the street from each other, and they look out the windows and see the ever lower prices just taunting them to take matters into their own hands.

So come and see the most action packed movie of the year!!!

Title: The Price War

Tag line: This July 18th.. There will be blood for Oil.

Staring: Chuck Norris

Trailer line: The price of gas driving you mad? ...mad enough to kill?

Based on a true story.