THE MOST IMPORTANT NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR!

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/12/19/spears.pregnant.feedback/index.html

Well I hope you are excited as I am, it's been a long time coming, but I knew 2007 would pull though. This, my friends, is the MOST IMPORTANT NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR! Now make sure you're sitting down and not awkwardly standing with your laptop in your hands trying to hold it level and scroll using the touch pad at the same time. Okay here it goes.....

JAMIE LYNN SPEARS is PREGGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES! WE DID IT!

THANK YOU GOD! Just when you thought it couldn't get any more trashy than Britney, Jamie Lynn comes in and does this. I have to say this was the highlight of my year, this is definitely better than anything Britney has done, even shaving her head... why? because Britney has an excuse, she is old, washed up, and just completely crazy. But as far as trashy goes Jamie Lynn has proved she has got what it takes to carry on the family name. At 16 Jamie Lynn just became the pregnant girl you sit next to in math. DAMN! No longer will we refer to her as the "normal" one! YES! This couldn't get any better. I have to say here at The News Report (TNR) we have already switched the name of our "Holiday Fun Party" to "Jamie Lyn Spears is a whore! Let's Drink!" I don't know if that is even a good name but we just keep saying it!

You thought Sean Preston was going to turn out bad? just wait until you see the sequel... Seriously Jamie Lyn just got her license! She isn't even expected to drive well yet! What hijinks are in store for 2008? Only time will tell! I wonder if they will write in a pregnancy plot twist for her Nickelodeon show? That show is so unbelievably awful I'm sure the viewers won't notice anyway. Here are some suggestions:

Have Jamie Lynn's character get impregnated by aliens....

or Have Jamie Lynn's character get infested with tape worms...

or Have Jamie Lynn's character have to wear a "pregnancy suit" at school.

So now for the best part! What?! You thought it couldn't get any better?!!!?!?!?! OH BUT IT DOES! Duhhhhh!!!!! what about the parents of the fans?? Reactions?!!

Evidently parents are in shock and awe about the fact that Britney Spears' sister is a giant whore! What will my kids think?! She's 16!?! I know for a fact that no 16 yr old has ever even thought about sex, they just don't know the mechanics. It's a pretty complicated thing to do. I know I need at least 75 to 80 mins to even start thinking about thinking about it, because I mean I have to take my laundry to the laundry mat and by the time I put my shoes on and walk three blocks, then I'm going to be cold and I will just want to make macaroni, and then by the time I eat that it will be time to go to sleep because I need at least 9.5 hours in order to not be a dick at work tomorrow. so ALL I'M SAYING IS it's not like kids that are 16 are even thinking about sex, Jamie Lynn is a freak. and we should treat her as such.

This all comes when the movie "Juno" is in theaters, which is about a 16 yr old girl who is pregnant, and it's getting rave reviews! It may also be one of the worst movies ever, full of hipster bullshit. But that movie takes the hipster philosophy which I think Jamie Lynn should adopt. Just complain about everything, be "too good" for absolutely everything, and then once you have the baby everything will go back to normal and everybody will be okay and happy!


Stay tuned for a special News Report in the coming weeks...


"The News Report does The Spears's... At the same Time!"