http://www.wlky.com/news/14731013/detail.html
So the Superman ride, at Six Flags, Kentucky, is responsible for a 13yr old girl losing her feet. Park officials sought to cover up the story and "just play it off as an Urban Legend" and even got the story included in an upcoming Urban Legend movie. But after long consideration, and media attention, park officials were thinking about raising the ride, but instead just installed a sign that says "Lift feet here." Park manager Bill Christen said it all came down to cost, "you see, it's like we have these issues of cost and it's just cheaper, more cost effective, to install the sign instead of raise the entire ride two more feet off the ground, I mean we can't pander to everybody, what if a really really tall guy comes in? What will we do then? Anyway I don't think this girl will be a problem anymore, because I think she's too short to actually ride the roller coaster now." We checked that last fact and it's true. We sat down with the girl, Cindy Link, to see what her take on the story was:
Cindy: Hey guys!
TheNewsReport (TNR): Hey.
Cindy: What are you guys up to?
TNR: What? wait why do you keep saying guys? There's only one of us, me.
Cindy: Okay, yeah that's cool.
TNR: Let's just get on with this... so how are you getting along at school?
Cindy: Oh pretty well.
TNR: Could you please elaborate?
Cindy: Well, I can't really walk now.
TNR: Do the other kids at school make fun of you? They do don't they, what do they say? Do they call you things like "Stumps" or "Slut"?
Cindy: Well if they say anything I just laugh it off and say that Superman cut off my feet!
TNR: That's Impossible.
Cindy: What? That's what happened?
TNR: The super hero Superman took off your feet.
Cindy: yes.
TNR: The superhero that was sent to earth and powered by the sun's rays, in order to fight crime and save children cut off your feet?
Cindy: yes.
TNR: You obviously don't know anything about superhero's
Cindy: What? You're not making any sense.
TNR: I'm not making sense? You're the one that just said the superhero, sent from galaxies far away just to come and help people like you out, cut off a 13yr old girls feet!
Cindy: Stop!
TNR: NO YOU STOP! THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER, WHORE!
Friday, November 30, 2007
Park considers raising ride after rider loses feet, but just install's sign instead.
Evel Knievel dies. Kanye West vows to take his place.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/11/30/obit.knievel/index.html
The world is in mourning today after famed stunt man and dumbass Evel Knievel died. The stunt that finally did him in? Walking to the living room. Kanye West took the news lightly saying, "does this mean that motherfucker is done suing me now? Screw him, I'll take his place! George Bush hates black people!" He then lifted up his arms and flew away. His posse was still standing there. When asked where West had gone they said, "he probably had to go storm onto a stage where he had lost an award somewhere." As you all know, this is a double whammy for West he just lost his mother a little over a week ago and now the guy that is suing him dies, it's all almost too much to take. I'm getting teary-eyed thinking about it. And who can forget that dramatic Larry King interview that was the talk of the town for a couple days, when Donna Wests' surgeon got up and left the interview! THAT WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT STORY EVER! okay what were we talking about? oh. so ol' what's-his-jump-over-things-face died. but he's been kinda washed up for a while. so............
DONE!
And How Is Football Not Homoerotic?
http://cbs.sportsline.com/nfl/story/10503332
This sounds like the sequel to "Brokeback Mountain." Like "Football Fags: Grab-ass on the Field." Note: I'm not using "fags" in the way that will get me hate mail, I'm using it in the way that Eminem uses it and doesn't get in trouble and consequently gets the privilege of working with Elton John.
So someone finally took out Brett Farve. It was only a matter of time as Farve is pushing 80 and only 1 season away from being replaced by the Farvebot 3000 (See BotMaster post). We finally have the technology! Thanks for hanging in there, Brett!
With a story like this there's little to say but "In Yo' Face, Katie Grace! (My know-it-all sister who thinks she has the best fantasy football team because Farve has been a desimating cannon to my team all season). LOOK WHO'S GOT THE BEST TEAM NOW MUTHA FUCKA!
The World: A little less hot today. Global Warming Experts Rejoice.
http://www.wsbtv.com/news/14736374/detail.html
We here at The News Report, know that you all, like ourselves, value the lives of good looking people a little more than those of regular looking people. That is why this story of a NATIONAL TRAGEDY about 3 high school cheerleaders dieing in a random car crash is very important. I mean think about it, what are the other kids at that poor school going to do? Who are they going to stare at in the hallway? Who are they going to gossip about? And who are they going to call a slut behind their back? This news report doesn't have a very good picture of the girls but let's hope, for the other students sake, that these were the three "not as hot" cheerleaders on the team. They are always there, the couple girls on the cheerleading team that just aren't really that hot, you know it's true.
When reached for comment, Susan Palmer, a fellow cheerleader said, "Like, I can't believe they would do this to us, the big game is next week! Like we do this cheer where we spell out V-I-C-T-O-R-Y! and they were the C, T, and Y. I don't know what we are going to do! But they better not even try out for squad next year becasue there is NO WAY Tiffany will let them on!"
Wait a second... Why is this news. Sure it's sad, but the only reason it's getting reported on is becasue they are attractive. You thought you had me, but I caught you News. Not so dumb now am I!
After Scientist spends 8 years making Hi-Def map of Antarctica, realizes it was a waste of time. Makes Lunch..
http://www.voanews.com/english/2007-11-29-voa38.cfm
Scientists recently unveiled a new Hi-Def map of Antarctica, 8 years in the making. Wait, 8 YEARS?! You can even download the map and look at it now. It's Friday. Looking for something to do? I mean I really thought that my life was lacking in the area of extremely detailed maps of nothing. But Seriously, it's these kinds of stories that make science look so lame, and I know that most of you scientists out there will embrace it and say you're a "nerd" and laugh and such and then your girlfriend will come up and be wearing a shirt with a picture from a children's television show from the early 90's on it, and you guys will think you're really hip and cool, and geeky. You're not! 8 years for a map of snow?! Come on!? I mean you can say that you want to get a nice snapshot of it because it will be gone soon, but by that time we will be living in Waterworld. Have you ever seen that movie?! Do you think they cared about Hi-Def photos?! NO. All they cared about was being crazy on big ships and drinking their own pee. So stop scientists. And break up with your girlfriend. SHE LIKES ANIME! that's really lame.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Police Raid Botmaster Blamed for 1 Million Infections, Police Chief says Paris Hilton is Next..
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,140133-c,cybercrime/article.html
In apparent news from the future, police have raided someone named "Botmaster" whom I can only assume is the "Master of all Robots." Which is what leads me to believe this story is from the future. Definitely from the future. So, knowing that, here is what I can derive from this cryptic article:
1. We are definitely ruled by Robots, or there is at least a significant robot population, enough that there needs to be a "bot master"
2. We [humans] are having sex with the robots. How else would it be possible for the "bot master" to infect over 1 million people?
3. There is a special task force dedicated to thwarting the robots' world domination objectives.
Considering this, looks like the world of the future is pretty bleak. Humans and robots living alongside each other, having tons and tons of intercourse. Is that what you want? to be raped by robots?! I'm never living in the future! NEVER! I don't care what you say TIME! GET OVER IT!
CARSON DALY STILL EXISTS!
http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/11/29/apontv.latenightlimbo.ap/index.html
So I was pretty sure that the teen sensation that was Carson Daly didn't exist anymore. This is to say I thought he was dead. My memory is a little foggy, but I definitely remember talking to people about how he died. I think I remember that he jumped off a bridge after he came to a self realization about how bad his late night show was. Maybe that memory was a little premature though because I guess the writers guild is all up in arms about his deciding to go back on the air without writers. But here's the real question, did that show even have writers in the first place? I mean REALLY? It is a really bad show. Have you ever seen it? I don't think there were writers on that show. There couldn't be. Okay, I'm going to write a letter to the WGA and tell them. They shouldn't be so upset, the show never had writers in the first place so it's okay.
Wait.. do writers read when they are on strike? hmmm.. I'm not sure, maybe writing them a letter isn't the best idea, postage cost too much anyway. I will just send thought waves.
Okay. DONE.
Professor Teddy Ruxbin
But sadly, this story is not about a giant stuffed animal that teaches. It's about a human that teaches other, smaller humans in the Sudan and she allowed the kids to name the class teddy bear Muhammad. So the Sudanese are going to lock that crazy bitch up. You can't have someone like that roaming the streets.
This did however give rise to a variety of hot Christmas items like Buddha Bear, Jesus Moose, and the cuddly God Almighty Puppy. In an effort to cover all their bases, toy companies will release a Rah the Rhinocerous dolls for the small but mighty Ancient Egyptian market (big holiday shoppers).
Republican YouTube debate confirms that canidate's masturbate to pictures of Ronald Reagan.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/11/28/debate.main/index.html
In a suprising twist of fate there was a Republican YouTube debate. Most canidates thought it was a chance to appeal to the pot smoking drifter crowd, Fred Thompson saying, "aren't stoners like the one people. person. to use the internet? Stoners are the only person to use the internet. Yes I agree" To which all the other canidates nodded in agreement, except Mitt Romney who, didn't want to risk being seen with wrinkles in his neck because, "It might ruin his Ken doll image," a campain manager said.
But seriously, There was something in the air that said these canidates have greatness written all over them. They made it clear that they were willing to bend on every issue possible in order to make the Evangelicals happy.
Canidate Review:
Fred Thompson was a hit! He scored big points when he lifed up a baby that he had physically taken out of the vagina of a teenage girl. After he lifted the baby however, he dropped it on its head, and then made the 13 year old girl take the baby home and raise it. The audience went wild! When asked about Russia, Thompson responded by saying, "I think China is a big problem, NO ABORTION!" The audience started chanting, "FOUR MORE YEARS!"
Mitt Romney said that the real issue in his campain has to do with his teeth, and the commentator said, "Look at this man, isn't he perfect? He looks like he was sculped by Zeus, I think I want to elect him solely based on his looks. Yes. Lets do that!"
Rudy He just goes by his first name now becasue he "Wants people to associate him with the football movie of the same name." Same old story here, he said a lot about 9/11 and everybody thought he was smart becasue he happened to be in a city when terrorists hit it.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Hunter Convicted of Shooting other hunter claims that he got the Idea from "The Most Dangerous Game"
http://www.channel3000.com/news/14715754/detail.html
Hunter James Nichols was recently convicted of shooting another hunter, and will now serve a 69 yr prison sentence. When asked for comment Nichols responded by saying that he got the idea when he was in high school when he happened to read, "The Most Dangerous Game" unlike the rest of us who thought the story to be kind of lame and dated. Nichols began a life long plan to make the story come true, years of planning came next for the man, until his plan was perfected. His plan finally came to life when he saw another man squirrel hunting, and shot him. When Nichols was asked whether or not it was worth it he said, "well it took a lot of planning and I didnt think I would get away with it, but yeah it was was worth it, because I mean after all, it is 'The Most Dangerous Game' (He then raised his eyebrow and gave a laugh and nod in an english accent)" All of the news reporters thought that last part where he raised his eyebrow was pretty lame considering the story he was referencing, so they decided to act like they couldnt hear him when they asked the next question. This made Nichols "upset" then all of the reporters laughed at him.
Related Stories: anything Dick Cheney.
"If this doesn't stop, I may never be able to have a one night stand again!"
http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/americas/11/27/holloway.arrest/index.html
Joran van der Sloot, a suspect in the Natalee Holloway disappearance came forward to complain about some of the conditions he is being held under. For instance: He isn't allowed to have rich white girls visit. "This really sucks man, can't we just forget about this? I mean, isn't there any other dead white girls? I mean come on.." His attorney agreed adding, "Come on.. yeah." Still authorities press forward even though there isn't any evidence. Authorities maintain, "There isn't a white girl where there used to be one, which means one's missing, which means somebody disposed of her... We think somebody ate the body.." Sloot maintains that Holloway, "wasn't even that good in bed" and "refused to go down on him" which is why he "ditched her body on the beach.. no, wait... left her on the beach"
Death: Not Just for Summer Anymore!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071128/ap_on_re_us/cold_weather_crossers;_ylt=AgEPoHFaAXwyjJVwjiyL5FNvzwcF
Headline: Crossing deserts risky in winter, too
For all those illegal Mexican immigrants: I know you're thinking that just because it's no longer "calor" in el desert that you can just traipse on in. Not so! I know your essay told you it would only take a few hours, but here's the news directly from The News Report, it will take longer. Now there are still people along the way to help you, but there is also at least one troop of crazy rednecks that will gun you down. It's like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book except you can't flip back the pages and pretend you didn't choose to go left directly into KKK country. Good luck, illegal immigrants. If you make it over, I have a shiny nickel and some laundry for you.
Spanish translation: BRING
A
JACKET
AND
SOME
GLOVES!
ES FRIO!
Papa Pilgrim or Creepy Kringle or Creepy Claus
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071128/ap_on_re_us/papa_pilgrim;_ylt=AhFyMXXNlIhayuSETn4fzShvzwcF
Have a look at the photo. He looks like Santa a little bit, no? Okay, fine, he looks like the shovel guy from Home Alone, at least give me that.
Many things trouble me about this story. Yes, the domestic abuse. Yes, the incest. But beyond that. This man and his wife had 15 children, so there was a woman who had sex with that at least 15 times. Ew. I also like the damn hippies who supported him using a bulldozer to clear off some land. I'm sure they're pretty red in the face now. "Good for you! Live off the land! Rebel against big government. Fight the power! Oh, oh, no. No, don't rape you're daughter. No, no, don't lock her in the she-- he locked her in the shed. Well that's just great. Aw, fuck now he's beating her - we gotta get outta here." This is why you can never trust hippies... or Papa Pilgrim.
Drew Peterson: "Seriously guys, I don't even know what you're talking about"
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/us_world/2007/11/28/2007-11-28_report_relative_fears_he_helped_cop_disp.html
This Just In: Drew Peterson looks really really guilty!
Not to harp on the Peterson story or anything but I guess a relative now thinks that he helped Drew Peterson dispose of his wifes body. He finally came forward after he thought about the other day when Drew had him help move a large container that was labeled "Not My Dead Wife" from a blood soaked bedroom. He said it took him so long to come forward becasue he just didn't think Drew was guilty, "When I asked about the lable Drew said it was just a joke, so I took it as that. Just a joke!" This wasn't the first time this has happened. The relative was also called upon to help Drew move lage containers the last time Drew's dog disappeared. He said he also helped carry containers labled "Not full of dead puppies" and "Not the murder weapon I used on my 3rd wife"
Russia to Build new space port... yes, there will be bears involved.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/space/11/21/russia.space.ap/index.html
Russia announced today that they plan to build a new spaceport and have a manned mission into space by 2018.
Ya know.. The one thing I have always said is, "What's better than Russian's?" then I look around as no one answers and then I say, "Russian's in space." This statement is true. Who can forget Sputnik! This is the Russian's finally doing what they do best, shooting giant rockets into space.
This will most definitely cement the relationship between it's space brothers, China and the U.S., as the creepy guy that arrived to the party a little too late, but has been there before, but he just went and got his new car, and kind of wants to show everybody, but no one really cares because it's "really just like" everybody else's there; but he still really thinks it's cool so they all go and look at it out of pity and then he gets all mad and peels out while holding his finger out the window, because "you aren't as impressed as you should be."
So yeah, Russia is kinda like "that guy" is so far as space race terms go. In fact, I would go as far to say they are kind of like"that guy" all the time.
what a dick.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Ever see a piece of shit that kind of looks like a baby?
http://www.kpho.com/news/14706325/detail.html
So.. this story kind of writes itself. So evidently this girl sat on the toilet and and gave birth to a baby, took the baby out of the toilet looked at it, and then put it back in the toilet and sat down again to deliver "the placenta" . nice. then when she asked her mom what to do, her mom said to put it in the garbage!
... then she took it to the hospital. where they said it was dead. (but secretly the baby was just pretending to be dead because it didn't want to face ridicule at school from all its friends for being "birthed in a toilet")
YAY AMERICA!
I mean if it was me I would have just flushed it, and then if it got stuck. I would have used a plunger, and then flushed again. Then probably plunged one more time, and then flushed again. If that didn't work, I would have just put a lot of tampons in there with it and said I was on my period......... and then took it to the hospital.
Strike: The Musical!
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/11/27/theater/27cnd-stage.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin
With stagehand strikers pirouetting the New York City streets, producers are still trying to make a buck, so they propose "Strike: The Musical!"
Featuring soon-to-be hit songs like:
"I Wanna Put My Stage Hands All Over Your Body"
"This Sign Is Heavy and It Is Cold"
"November in New York: What a Fine Fuckin' Time for a Strike"
"Seriously, I'm Freezing My Balls Off"
Reprise "I Wanna Put My Stage Hands in Some Goddamn Gloves"
Catch it at The Picket Line running indefinitely.
Letters to Myself
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=3918439&page=1
Headline: Letter Places Stacy Peterson in Ill. Grocery Store
My impression of how this went down:
Cop (or let's face it, everyone): Dude, we know you know where she is.
Drew Peterson: I don't, but I know someone who does.
Cop: Who?
Drew: I don't know, but I got this letter.
Cop: You got a letter?
Drew: Yeah, it says she's at the grocery store.
Cop: Uh, huh, so you, Drew "means and motive" Peterson, got a letter saying your wife was at a grocery store?
Drew: Yes. It gives details of which aisle she was in and what she was wearing and everything.
Cop: You know, a letter to yourself is really more of a note.
Drew: I didn't write it!
Cop: Right, but it was just sent directly to you?
Drew: Yes. Someone is interested in clearing my name.
Cop: And that someone's not you?
Drew: Right!
Cop: Well that proves it, you're free to go, Sir.
Drew: Really?
Cop: No. Get your guilty self-writing ass back on your lawyer's lap.
Cop: (underbreath): I'll get you some day Peterson.
Bride is actually terrorist: Comedian's thank news story for lots of new wife jokes!
http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/meast/11/26/iraq.bride/index.html
So it appears that two Iraqi insurgents were trying to escape the country by dressing like a bride and groom. Local comedians celebrate today as they write a "whole lot" of topical, ex-wife jokes. When asked for comment comedian Judge Barr said, "It's just really great news, the ex-wife joke long ago fell into the realm of bad jokes, but I mean I've been dieing for the joke to have a re-invention. Now I can say things like 'hey did you hear this story?' or 'I saw this in the news the other day' to lead into my slew of ex-wife jokes." Needless to say the bride was hairy (like my ex). You can catch many comedians talking about the news story at any shitty bar near you!
Monday, November 26, 2007
Baby Grace. or (Insert lamest name ever)
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21966337/
Seriously. Creepiest sketch ever... i mean, imagine opening up a box and having that starring back at you.... pretty creepy.
and on another point. baby grace? can we come up with a lamer name? i mean this is one of those stories that middle aged lonely women will sit and cry over as they eat an entire "thing" of choco-choco-chip ice cream. because "they go ape for chocolate"
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
The Price War
http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/11/20/gas.prices.shooting.ap/index.html
(Read only the STORY HIGHLIGHTS)
Then I thought this would make for a great movie starring... oh i don't know.. CHUCK NORRIS!? And then I saw how they used a bat, a pole, and a gun in the fight and I mean if you think about it that means that the guy with the gun had to say the line "well, I didn't think I was going to have to use this."But then he did have to use it, because the guy just wouldn't DIE! and then obviously they have gas stations that are right across the street from each other, and they look out the windows and see the ever lower prices just taunting them to take matters into their own hands.
So come and see the most action packed movie of the year!!!
Title: The Price War
Tag line: This July 18th.. There will be blood for Oil.
Staring: Chuck Norris
Trailer line: The price of gas driving you mad? ...mad enough to kill?
Based on a true story.
