And you thought YOUR aunt was crazy!

http://www.local10.com/news/14740373/detail.html

LAUDERHILL, Fla. a 12 yr old buy was stabbed in the eyes by his aunt who was also stabbed in the eye. Family tried to explain that it all happened when the boy found out that his aunt, who he had been sleeping with and ruling over "Thebes" (their living room) with was actually his mother. When asked for comment we were informed that the boy could not speak becasue he had chewed his tongue off. We then asked his mother (not the woman known as his aunt) about how all of this had happened, "Well see when aunt Clair comes over we all like to put on little shows in the living room, and with this show Clair and the boy just took things a little too far. It's all that damn Shakespeare's fault!" That last part set off alarm bells in our head and we went into action, here is why: The story that this all seems to be paralleling is the Greek tragedy Oedipus, and whilst Shakespeare is the known of many classic plays, this is not one of them. So we notified authorities and had a composite drawn up. The man is said to be of Caucasian descent, speaks in very "old English" and has a small beard and mustache. If you see this man, stay away and call the police! HE IS VERY VERY DANGEROUS!

GOP supports human cloning, Brings Jesus back.

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1689196,00.html?imw=Y

The GOP, a long time adversary of stem cell research, came out by saying it see's promise in a new technique that would make it possible for "those grubby little scientists" to get their "grubby little hands" on some stem cells "without crushing up babies into a stem cell puree." Head scientist, and GOP representative, Clark Honeywater said, "for a scientist that doesn't take commonplace ideas like 'evolution' seriously I have been under fire lately, but I think that's all about to change, after this latest discovery." He went on to say, "human cloning just isn't the way to go on this issue, something else had to be developed." When a reporter joked and said, "hey, wouldn't it be nice to bring back Reagan!" Everyone laughed, and then Honeywater kept laughing, but not like a normal laugh, like one of those awkward, it kind of goes on to long laughs. Then his laugh started echoing and an organ started playing in the background. It was creepy. Honeywater bid us farewell by saying, "If, you'll excuse me I must be off to my lair... I mean laboratory... have a nice evening" but he didn't fool anyone, we all clearly heard Honeywater say "lair". The reporter's and I then grabbed a dog, put on 70's clothes, and jumped in a van called the "Unsolved Quandary Machine" and set off into the night to play music and figure out what was going on up at old Honeywater's castle.

Park considers raising ride after rider loses feet, but just install's sign instead.

http://www.wlky.com/news/14731013/detail.html

So the Superman ride, at Six Flags, Kentucky, is responsible for a 13yr old girl losing her feet. Park officials sought to cover up the story and "just play it off as an Urban Legend" and even got the story included in an upcoming Urban Legend movie. But after long consideration, and media attention, park officials were thinking about raising the ride, but instead just installed a sign that says "Lift feet here." Park manager Bill Christen said it all came down to cost, "you see, it's like we have these issues of cost and it's just cheaper, more cost effective, to install the sign instead of raise the entire ride two more feet off the ground, I mean we can't pander to everybody, what if a really really tall guy comes in? What will we do then? Anyway I don't think this girl will be a problem anymore, because I think she's too short to actually ride the roller coaster now." We checked that last fact and it's true. We sat down with the girl, Cindy Link, to see what her take on the story was:

Cindy: Hey guys!

TheNewsReport (TNR): Hey.

Cindy: What are you guys up to?

TNR: What? wait why do you keep saying guys? There's only one of us, me.

Cindy: Okay, yeah that's cool.

TNR: Let's just get on with this... so how are you getting along at school?

Cindy: Oh pretty well.

TNR: Could you please elaborate?

Cindy: Well, I can't really walk now.

TNR: Do the other kids at school make fun of you? They do don't they, what do they say? Do they call you things like "Stumps" or "Slut"?

Cindy: Well if they say anything I just laugh it off and say that Superman cut off my feet!

TNR: That's Impossible.

Cindy: What? That's what happened?

TNR: The super hero Superman took off your feet.

Cindy: yes.

TNR: The superhero that was sent to earth and powered by the sun's rays, in order to fight crime and save children cut off your feet?

Cindy: yes.

TNR: You obviously don't know anything about superhero's

Cindy: What? You're not making any sense.

TNR: I'm not making sense? You're the one that just said the superhero, sent from galaxies far away just to come and help people like you out, cut off a 13yr old girls feet!

Cindy: Stop!

TNR: NO YOU STOP! THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER, WHORE!

Evel Knievel dies. Kanye West vows to take his place.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/11/30/obit.knievel/index.html

The world is in mourning today after famed stunt man and dumbass Evel Knievel died. The stunt that finally did him in? Walking to the living room. Kanye West took the news lightly saying, "does this mean that motherfucker is done suing me now? Screw him, I'll take his place! George Bush hates black people!" He then lifted up his arms and flew away. His posse was still standing there. When asked where West had gone they said, "he probably had to go storm onto a stage where he had lost an award somewhere." As you all know, this is a double whammy for West he just lost his mother a little over a week ago and now the guy that is suing him dies, it's all almost too much to take. I'm getting teary-eyed thinking about it. And who can forget that dramatic Larry King interview that was the talk of the town for a couple days, when Donna Wests' surgeon got up and left the interview! THAT WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT STORY EVER! okay what were we talking about? oh. so ol' what's-his-jump-over-things-face died. but he's been kinda washed up for a while. so............

DONE!

And How Is Football Not Homoerotic?

http://cbs.sportsline.com/nfl/story/10503332

Headline: Iron man Favre dinged up by quiet Cowboy

This sounds like the sequel to "Brokeback Mountain." Like "Football Fags: Grab-ass on the Field." Note: I'm not using "fags" in the way that will get me hate mail, I'm using it in the way that Eminem uses it and doesn't get in trouble and consequently gets the privilege of working with Elton John.

So someone finally took out Brett Farve. It was only a matter of time as Farve is pushing 80 and only 1 season away from being replaced by the Farvebot 3000 (See BotMaster post). We finally have the technology! Thanks for hanging in there, Brett!

With a story like this there's little to say but "In Yo' Face, Katie Grace! (My know-it-all sister who thinks she has the best fantasy football team because Farve has been a desimating cannon to my team all season). LOOK WHO'S GOT THE BEST TEAM NOW MUTHA FUCKA!

The World: A little less hot today. Global Warming Experts Rejoice.

http://www.wsbtv.com/news/14736374/detail.html

We here at The News Report, know that you all, like ourselves, value the lives of good looking people a little more than those of regular looking people. That is why this story of a NATIONAL TRAGEDY about 3 high school cheerleaders dieing in a random car crash is very important. I mean think about it, what are the other kids at that poor school going to do? Who are they going to stare at in the hallway? Who are they going to gossip about? And who are they going to call a slut behind their back? This news report doesn't have a very good picture of the girls but let's hope, for the other students sake, that these were the three "not as hot" cheerleaders on the team. They are always there, the couple girls on the cheerleading team that just aren't really that hot, you know it's true.
When reached for comment, Susan Palmer, a fellow cheerleader said, "Like, I can't believe they would do this to us, the big game is next week! Like we do this cheer where we spell out V-I-C-T-O-R-Y! and they were the C, T, and Y. I don't know what we are going to do! But they better not even try out for squad next year becasue there is NO WAY Tiffany will let them on!"

Wait a second... Why is this news. Sure it's sad, but the only reason it's getting reported on is becasue they are attractive. You thought you had me, but I caught you News. Not so dumb now am I!

After Scientist spends 8 years making Hi-Def map of Antarctica, realizes it was a waste of time. Makes Lunch..

http://www.voanews.com/english/2007-11-29-voa38.cfm

Scientists recently unveiled a new Hi-Def map of Antarctica, 8 years in the making. Wait, 8 YEARS?! You can even download the map and look at it now. It's Friday. Looking for something to do? I mean I really thought that my life was lacking in the area of extremely detailed maps of nothing. But Seriously, it's these kinds of stories that make science look so lame, and I know that most of you scientists out there will embrace it and say you're a "nerd" and laugh and such and then your girlfriend will come up and be wearing a shirt with a picture from a children's television show from the early 90's on it, and you guys will think you're really hip and cool, and geeky. You're not! 8 years for a map of snow?! Come on!? I mean you can say that you want to get a nice snapshot of it because it will be gone soon, but by that time we will be living in Waterworld. Have you ever seen that movie?! Do you think they cared about Hi-Def photos?! NO. All they cared about was being crazy on big ships and drinking their own pee. So stop scientists. And break up with your girlfriend. SHE LIKES ANIME! that's really lame.