http://www.wsbtv.com/news/14736374/detail.html
We here at The News Report, know that you all, like ourselves, value the lives of good looking people a little more than those of regular looking people. That is why this story of a NATIONAL TRAGEDY about 3 high school cheerleaders dieing in a random car crash is very important. I mean think about it, what are the other kids at that poor school going to do? Who are they going to stare at in the hallway? Who are they going to gossip about? And who are they going to call a slut behind their back? This news report doesn't have a very good picture of the girls but let's hope, for the other students sake, that these were the three "not as hot" cheerleaders on the team. They are always there, the couple girls on the cheerleading team that just aren't really that hot, you know it's true.
When reached for comment, Susan Palmer, a fellow cheerleader said, "Like, I can't believe they would do this to us, the big game is next week! Like we do this cheer where we spell out V-I-C-T-O-R-Y! and they were the C, T, and Y. I don't know what we are going to do! But they better not even try out for squad next year becasue there is NO WAY Tiffany will let them on!"
Wait a second... Why is this news. Sure it's sad, but the only reason it's getting reported on is becasue they are attractive. You thought you had me, but I caught you News. Not so dumb now am I!
Friday, November 30, 2007
The World: A little less hot today. Global Warming Experts Rejoice.
After Scientist spends 8 years making Hi-Def map of Antarctica, realizes it was a waste of time. Makes Lunch..
http://www.voanews.com/english/2007-11-29-voa38.cfm
Scientists recently unveiled a new Hi-Def map of Antarctica, 8 years in the making. Wait, 8 YEARS?! You can even download the map and look at it now. It's Friday. Looking for something to do? I mean I really thought that my life was lacking in the area of extremely detailed maps of nothing. But Seriously, it's these kinds of stories that make science look so lame, and I know that most of you scientists out there will embrace it and say you're a "nerd" and laugh and such and then your girlfriend will come up and be wearing a shirt with a picture from a children's television show from the early 90's on it, and you guys will think you're really hip and cool, and geeky. You're not! 8 years for a map of snow?! Come on!? I mean you can say that you want to get a nice snapshot of it because it will be gone soon, but by that time we will be living in Waterworld. Have you ever seen that movie?! Do you think they cared about Hi-Def photos?! NO. All they cared about was being crazy on big ships and drinking their own pee. So stop scientists. And break up with your girlfriend. SHE LIKES ANIME! that's really lame.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Police Raid Botmaster Blamed for 1 Million Infections, Police Chief says Paris Hilton is Next..
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,140133-c,cybercrime/article.html
In apparent news from the future, police have raided someone named "Botmaster" whom I can only assume is the "Master of all Robots." Which is what leads me to believe this story is from the future. Definitely from the future. So, knowing that, here is what I can derive from this cryptic article:
1. We are definitely ruled by Robots, or there is at least a significant robot population, enough that there needs to be a "bot master"
2. We [humans] are having sex with the robots. How else would it be possible for the "bot master" to infect over 1 million people?
3. There is a special task force dedicated to thwarting the robots' world domination objectives.
Considering this, looks like the world of the future is pretty bleak. Humans and robots living alongside each other, having tons and tons of intercourse. Is that what you want? to be raped by robots?! I'm never living in the future! NEVER! I don't care what you say TIME! GET OVER IT!
CARSON DALY STILL EXISTS!
http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/11/29/apontv.latenightlimbo.ap/index.html
So I was pretty sure that the teen sensation that was Carson Daly didn't exist anymore. This is to say I thought he was dead. My memory is a little foggy, but I definitely remember talking to people about how he died. I think I remember that he jumped off a bridge after he came to a self realization about how bad his late night show was. Maybe that memory was a little premature though because I guess the writers guild is all up in arms about his deciding to go back on the air without writers. But here's the real question, did that show even have writers in the first place? I mean REALLY? It is a really bad show. Have you ever seen it? I don't think there were writers on that show. There couldn't be. Okay, I'm going to write a letter to the WGA and tell them. They shouldn't be so upset, the show never had writers in the first place so it's okay.
Wait.. do writers read when they are on strike? hmmm.. I'm not sure, maybe writing them a letter isn't the best idea, postage cost too much anyway. I will just send thought waves.
Okay. DONE.
Professor Teddy Ruxbin
But sadly, this story is not about a giant stuffed animal that teaches. It's about a human that teaches other, smaller humans in the Sudan and she allowed the kids to name the class teddy bear Muhammad. So the Sudanese are going to lock that crazy bitch up. You can't have someone like that roaming the streets.
This did however give rise to a variety of hot Christmas items like Buddha Bear, Jesus Moose, and the cuddly God Almighty Puppy. In an effort to cover all their bases, toy companies will release a Rah the Rhinocerous dolls for the small but mighty Ancient Egyptian market (big holiday shoppers).
Republican YouTube debate confirms that canidate's masturbate to pictures of Ronald Reagan.
http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/11/28/debate.main/index.html
In a suprising twist of fate there was a Republican YouTube debate. Most canidates thought it was a chance to appeal to the pot smoking drifter crowd, Fred Thompson saying, "aren't stoners like the one people. person. to use the internet? Stoners are the only person to use the internet. Yes I agree" To which all the other canidates nodded in agreement, except Mitt Romney who, didn't want to risk being seen with wrinkles in his neck because, "It might ruin his Ken doll image," a campain manager said.
But seriously, There was something in the air that said these canidates have greatness written all over them. They made it clear that they were willing to bend on every issue possible in order to make the Evangelicals happy.
Canidate Review:
Fred Thompson was a hit! He scored big points when he lifed up a baby that he had physically taken out of the vagina of a teenage girl. After he lifted the baby however, he dropped it on its head, and then made the 13 year old girl take the baby home and raise it. The audience went wild! When asked about Russia, Thompson responded by saying, "I think China is a big problem, NO ABORTION!" The audience started chanting, "FOUR MORE YEARS!"
Mitt Romney said that the real issue in his campain has to do with his teeth, and the commentator said, "Look at this man, isn't he perfect? He looks like he was sculped by Zeus, I think I want to elect him solely based on his looks. Yes. Lets do that!"
Rudy He just goes by his first name now becasue he "Wants people to associate him with the football movie of the same name." Same old story here, he said a lot about 9/11 and everybody thought he was smart becasue he happened to be in a city when terrorists hit it.
