Toddler that shot and killed 23 yr. old man, actually notorious serial killer Jack Vance in disguise.

http://www.news4jax.com/news/14782593/detail.html

A toddler that was thought to have killed a man by pulling the trigger of a loaded gun was revealed to actually be the 65 yr. old serial killer Jack Vance in disguise. Evidence came to light when a security camera revealed the toddler driving to the building getting out of his car [the car has since been identified as Vance's] and walking past security unnoticed. The notorious killer known for killing as many as 40 people in the mid 60's escaped from prison in 1999 and was thought to be "out of the country on business," or at least that is what his AIM away message always said, authorities took the away message for truth because "who really lies on their away message?" Many took the discovery that Vance was still in the country and disguised as a toddler as a shock. As one worried mother put it, "how do I know my toddler isn't a 65 yr. old serial killer?" she told us that she has already taken steps to contain and isolate her toddler because "you can never be too sure."

If you have questions on whether or not your child is actually a serial killer in disguise TheNewsReport has established a hotline that you can call: 1-888-myKiller, give us a description of your child and we will easily be able to tell you over the phone. However, 90% of the time the child actually is an older man in disguise and should be considered very dangerous, take the appropriate steps to contain the child and/or put them down.

Audience stunned when Romney's "Kennedy" Moment quickly turns into Romney's "Senior" moment

http://www.time.com/time/politics/article/0,8599,1691319,00.html

There's no words to describe what happened at Mitt Romney's religion speech, because Romney had no word's to describe it himself! Early reports say that the Soon-to-be-President and Dictator, got up behind the podium and just "simply forgot" what he was going to say! It's a common scene in any college or high school speech class. Romney when asked to comment said, "It's like I had this speech all planned out and everything and then I got up there and it was all like 'Bam!' and it was just gone!" Some were saying this could be Romney's "Kennedy" moment, even though Romney's policies and really nothing about him is even close to "Kennedy-esque." We here at TheNewsReport have obtained a copy of the official transcript of the speech, it's short so we will display it unedited:

[Romney approaches the podium, behind him is a with text that says "President's: The real Latter Day Saint's"]

Introducer [Russ]: Here he is Mitt "the shit" Romney. Because He's the Shit!

Mitt: We get it Russ, you're really clever. But thanks anyway! uh........ Well what I came here tonight to speak on is. uhhh......hmm.. well I'll be damned! ... No Muslims in my cabinet!

[The audience cheered and Mitt left the podium]

Early commentators are already saying that Romney's "Senior" moment was one of his best. Conservative columnist Phil Philbanks says, "The move was definitely not traditional, but brilliant all the same. This really will appeal to the American people, it makes him seem stupider, more like one of them."

Other Romney moments of note: Romney's "Hitler" moment, in which he said he wanted to double the size of Git-mo, and Romney's "too much self tanner" moment, seriously Romney you can see the self tan blotches all over your hands. We know it's not real.

Biggest Fruit Success Since Nathan Lane!

Headline: Orange Sells 30,000 iPhones in First Five Days in France

Orange is selling iphone like hotcakes apparently. This is quite an achievement for a fruit of very little brain and no hands, eyes, mouth, or internal organs. He probably even has a dial-up connection. This article surprised me because the Orange was not even American, so I thought what other country could produce a healthy treat with so much drive and innovation? France. France? Really? They haven't done anything but suck since the crepe! But apparently Orange has been partners with Apple for awhile now. This leads me to give one piece of advice to you faithful News Report readers. Listen carefully: Invest in produce. Fruit, if possible, vegetables also okay.

Rapper found dead in LA hotel: Will still release 7 albums after death.

http://www.click2houston.com/news/14775146/detail.html

Rapper "Pimp C" was found dead in a Los Angeles hotel room today. Producers say that even though some would consider the death a setback, they still plan to release a "gazillion" albums in his name. Producer Lee B-Rock said, "well see, we have had a lot of experience with artists like Biggie, Ja Rule, and Ma$e, now it is possible to keep the artists voice alive even long after they cease to exist. The technique has been used in almost every hit song Cher has ever released!"
Some Pimp C albums that are already in the works include "Back from the Dead," "Night of the living Pimp," and "Bitch... I'll get you!" Lot's of teens are also planning on making YouTube videos to celebrate and remember the life and times of Pimp C. Early reports say that the videos will include one of his slowest songs set to a series of pictures that the user found on Google's Image search. Videos also may or may not include a videotaped intro of the teen saying that Pimp C's family is in his/her prayers.

Chimps beat humans in memory game, Humans beat Chimps in everything else.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/science/12/03/chimp.memory.ap/index.html

In this battle of wits a 5 yr old chimp was set up playing a memory game against a college student. The chimp won. TheNewsReport was on the scene, incidentally the moment the chimp won the game, it arose from its chair and began to speak, saying that "the time of the chimp" was upon us. We all just laughed and made him eat a banana to put him in his place. Later we talked to the college student, he said, "dude, I was totally wasted last night! SigChi! I'm gonna totally bang Amy tonight! Pound the rock!" we said, "What do you mean?" he said, "pound the rock!" again. We came to the conclusion that yes a 5yr old chimp did beat a college student in a memory game, but what we failed to mention was that the college student was a frat guy, and was high during the memory contest and thought it was, a "drinking" game. He actually tied to take a drink every time he missed a card, and then would keep referring to the chimp as "little man." As we all know, the North American Fratasapious Homophoborus has an IQ that is equivalent to that of a retarded goldfish. So I would have to say these results are a little skewed. Plus that chimp could talk! what was up with that?!

Local girl gives Elephant herpes, kills it.

http://www.kmbc.com/news/14751818/detail.html

It goes by names like Herpes, Cold Sores, or Street names like syphilis, genital warts, and AIDS; no matter what you call it we've all been there. Now so has an Elephant, and it's dead. The real killer? Shelly Anderson, a local "really big whore" who just couldn't resist elephant. When asked what her motivation in the killing was she said, "Well, ya'lls I didn't really means to kill it. I was just in here on likes a schools field trips!? and I was all likes, damn! that a big fucking elephant! I ain't never seen a thinger that big before! I just had to see if it was good in bed, if you know what I mean, and I think you do! [we do] so I just hopped right in there and did what I do best, if you know what I mean! [again, we do]" Needless to say Shelly is a role model for all. She saw something she wanted and wasn't going to let anything stop her. Ms. Anderson will also be known as the only woman in history to kill an elephant just by having sex with it. Other things she has killed by having sex with them? A turtle, a toaster, and Dr. Quinn medicine woman (the series). So Congratulations Shelly, you're a true American hero.

In other news, a baby was spawned by the encounter, and Shelly is keeping it. She says "abortion goes against her good Christian morals." She supports Fred Thompson.

Thai king puts nation in the vagina. (According to CNN.com)

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/12/01/thailand.king.ap/index.html

The title to this CNN article was "Thai king puts nation in the pink"... really? no one over there at CNN caught that? wow. okay, I know I'm not usually into these really short posts, but someone had to point this out. Maybe I will add more tomorrow.