CNN.com promises more than it can deliver. Think about that before you swear that "CNN.com is a really great guy" and go on that first date.

http://www.cnn.com/POLITICS/

Readers of CNN.com's Politics page were slightly put off when they were trying to waste time again today. An In-Depth report into the matter revealed this: CNN.com is trying to run more stories than they have and we caught them. Now wait just one second there mister before you run outside telling all of your "bud's" that they can "suck it because you won the CNN.com bet that you guys placed last Friday in the waiting room of Chilli's while there were obviously tables open." CNN.com pulled a fast one today and I for one am hurt. I read CNN.com almost everyday, I check in with politics, and I look at all of the different stories, and it's like Christmas everyday, but today it was like coming down those stairs on Christmas morning and just seeing a pile of dirty laundry with a dead bird next to it (and it even looked like it had been there for a couple days but I guess you just didn't notice). If you look at the headlines listed you will notice that there are three that really like that Oprah and Obama's names start with an "O". Another three that really want Mitt Romney to be interesting, and then the writers got really lazy and just stuck the same article on there twice about Huckabee. The truth is, those stories just aren't even really that great to start out with! come on why don't you take a cue from us here at TheNewsReport, if news is boring then just MAKE IT UP! No one is really going to care anyway, you may even get to put an impoverished nation in it's place when you're doing it! I'm talking about you "Democratic Republic of Congo!" Who wouldn't enjoy a good story about Romney's three secret wives?! I know I would! What about that hot new lead I got today about McCain's Vietnamese love child who has just come back into his life?! That's news gold! There you can have it! Make it grow. Remember you report the truth, and that won't change even if you make the stories up. People will still believe every word you say. CNN.com we can get through this, I believe in you.

Tapes of al Qaeda interrogations destroyed: Taped over with football game and episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond"

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/12/06/cia.videotapes/index.html

CIA Director, Michael Hayden, stated today that a number of al Qaeda interrogations tapes had been destroyed. Hayden downplayed the news by stating "there was nothing really of note on them, just mainly footage of a pizza party we had on September 11th, no not celebrating that. It was a birthday for one of the inmates and we always have pizza and cake whenever it is an inmates birthday." When asked why the tapes had been taped over with an episode of the hit series "Everybody Loves Raymond" he responded saying, "Well, I mean, simply put, it was a really great episode! Raymond didn't want to eat the sandwich that his wife had made, and it reminded me of something MY wife once did!" All of the reporters laughed and said that they "could understand the situation" Hayden then promised that it "wouldn't happen again." He even stated that he "Crossed his heart, hoped to die, stick a needle in his eye." So we said "Fair enough!" and that was that! Nothing shady there! Then we all gathered around and watched ABC family. It was a nice quite evening at home with Hayden and the news gang, then we all got into bed together and had a pillow fight! WHAT A NIGHT!

Bush writes his true feelings for Kim Jong-il. Slips Note in his locker.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/06/world/asia/06cnd-korea.html?hp

President Bush wrote a letter today to the North Korean leader Kim Jong-il, the two have had a fiery relationship in the press, and as we find tonight they may have an even steamier relationship in private. TheNewsReport has acquired an un-edited copy of the letter that George W. Bush sent earlier today. It is transcribed below, we scanned a copy so you can see the actual letter just click on the image of it to see a larger copy.

Letter:

Dear Kim Kim,

You know... I've been thinking... and well the truth is, I like you, like a lot. We both have so much in commen. We both have big houses and Remember that time I played you in checkers, you won... then we ate popcorn and watched golden girls all night!? That was great, LET'S DO IT Again! I met Betty White last fall and she is just as great in person!
So... my point is. I think we are great for each other. We are both crazy and I know how you really want to take over the world, well so do I. I know the real you... will you please get to know the real me?

I Love You... There I said it.

Will you be with me tonight?

Circle one: Yes/No

XOXO

-Always Yours,
Bushy
-------------
I can go all night....

-END OF LETTER-

No Fat Chicks

Headline: Overweight children face premature heart attacks, strokes

I couldn't believe this when I read it either. To get the full story, I went to Dr. Faux the head of Obese Adolescent Studies at Ivy League University.
The News Report (TNR): Good morning Dr. Faux, thanks for meeting with me.
Dr. Faux: My pleasure.
TNR: Please tell me about your recent studies.
Dr. Faux: We've discovered that children that are obese are likely to suffer premature heart attacks and strokes.
TNR: You don't say.
Dr. Faux: Yes, they are not immune to heart problems at we had originally thought.
TNR: So you're saying these children's bodies react the same way as adults?
Dr. Faux: That's exactly what I'm saying.
TNR: Fascinating. Have you tried any other studies?
Dr. Faux: Well it's still in its beginning stages, but I can tell you this much: like adults, children will bleed if you prick them.
TNR: What color is the blood?
Dr. Faux: I couldn't believe it myself, but it was a reddish color with tones of brown.
TNR: But, wait a minute doctor, I don't mean to call you a liar, but how is that possible? I mean, that is the same color as adult blood. That is a rather strange coincidence. Wouldn't you agree?
Dr. Faux: I'm glad you're sitting down. We believe there may be a connection between adults and children.
TNR: (Faints)

Scientists will further investigate this supposed "relationship" and The News Report will be right there with the story.

In the meantime, I would avoid children because if they bite you, you may become one of them. And, as previously reported, they may be serial killers in disguise.

Toddler that shot and killed 23 yr. old man, actually notorious serial killer Jack Vance in disguise.

http://www.news4jax.com/news/14782593/detail.html

A toddler that was thought to have killed a man by pulling the trigger of a loaded gun was revealed to actually be the 65 yr. old serial killer Jack Vance in disguise. Evidence came to light when a security camera revealed the toddler driving to the building getting out of his car [the car has since been identified as Vance's] and walking past security unnoticed. The notorious killer known for killing as many as 40 people in the mid 60's escaped from prison in 1999 and was thought to be "out of the country on business," or at least that is what his AIM away message always said, authorities took the away message for truth because "who really lies on their away message?" Many took the discovery that Vance was still in the country and disguised as a toddler as a shock. As one worried mother put it, "how do I know my toddler isn't a 65 yr. old serial killer?" she told us that she has already taken steps to contain and isolate her toddler because "you can never be too sure."

If you have questions on whether or not your child is actually a serial killer in disguise TheNewsReport has established a hotline that you can call: 1-888-myKiller, give us a description of your child and we will easily be able to tell you over the phone. However, 90% of the time the child actually is an older man in disguise and should be considered very dangerous, take the appropriate steps to contain the child and/or put them down.

Audience stunned when Romney's "Kennedy" Moment quickly turns into Romney's "Senior" moment

http://www.time.com/time/politics/article/0,8599,1691319,00.html

There's no words to describe what happened at Mitt Romney's religion speech, because Romney had no word's to describe it himself! Early reports say that the Soon-to-be-President and Dictator, got up behind the podium and just "simply forgot" what he was going to say! It's a common scene in any college or high school speech class. Romney when asked to comment said, "It's like I had this speech all planned out and everything and then I got up there and it was all like 'Bam!' and it was just gone!" Some were saying this could be Romney's "Kennedy" moment, even though Romney's policies and really nothing about him is even close to "Kennedy-esque." We here at TheNewsReport have obtained a copy of the official transcript of the speech, it's short so we will display it unedited:

[Romney approaches the podium, behind him is a with text that says "President's: The real Latter Day Saint's"]

Introducer [Russ]: Here he is Mitt "the shit" Romney. Because He's the Shit!

Mitt: We get it Russ, you're really clever. But thanks anyway! uh........ Well what I came here tonight to speak on is. uhhh......hmm.. well I'll be damned! ... No Muslims in my cabinet!

[The audience cheered and Mitt left the podium]

Early commentators are already saying that Romney's "Senior" moment was one of his best. Conservative columnist Phil Philbanks says, "The move was definitely not traditional, but brilliant all the same. This really will appeal to the American people, it makes him seem stupider, more like one of them."

Other Romney moments of note: Romney's "Hitler" moment, in which he said he wanted to double the size of Git-mo, and Romney's "too much self tanner" moment, seriously Romney you can see the self tan blotches all over your hands. We know it's not real.

Biggest Fruit Success Since Nathan Lane!

Headline: Orange Sells 30,000 iPhones in First Five Days in France

Orange is selling iphone like hotcakes apparently. This is quite an achievement for a fruit of very little brain and no hands, eyes, mouth, or internal organs. He probably even has a dial-up connection. This article surprised me because the Orange was not even American, so I thought what other country could produce a healthy treat with so much drive and innovation? France. France? Really? They haven't done anything but suck since the crepe! But apparently Orange has been partners with Apple for awhile now. This leads me to give one piece of advice to you faithful News Report readers. Listen carefully: Invest in produce. Fruit, if possible, vegetables also okay.