Chimps beat humans in memory game, Humans beat Chimps in everything else.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/science/12/03/chimp.memory.ap/index.html

In this battle of wits a 5 yr old chimp was set up playing a memory game against a college student. The chimp won. TheNewsReport was on the scene, incidentally the moment the chimp won the game, it arose from its chair and began to speak, saying that "the time of the chimp" was upon us. We all just laughed and made him eat a banana to put him in his place. Later we talked to the college student, he said, "dude, I was totally wasted last night! SigChi! I'm gonna totally bang Amy tonight! Pound the rock!" we said, "What do you mean?" he said, "pound the rock!" again. We came to the conclusion that yes a 5yr old chimp did beat a college student in a memory game, but what we failed to mention was that the college student was a frat guy, and was high during the memory contest and thought it was, a "drinking" game. He actually tied to take a drink every time he missed a card, and then would keep referring to the chimp as "little man." As we all know, the North American Fratasapious Homophoborus has an IQ that is equivalent to that of a retarded goldfish. So I would have to say these results are a little skewed. Plus that chimp could talk! what was up with that?!

Local girl gives Elephant herpes, kills it.

http://www.kmbc.com/news/14751818/detail.html

It goes by names like Herpes, Cold Sores, or Street names like syphilis, genital warts, and AIDS; no matter what you call it we've all been there. Now so has an Elephant, and it's dead. The real killer? Shelly Anderson, a local "really big whore" who just couldn't resist elephant. When asked what her motivation in the killing was she said, "Well, ya'lls I didn't really means to kill it. I was just in here on likes a schools field trips!? and I was all likes, damn! that a big fucking elephant! I ain't never seen a thinger that big before! I just had to see if it was good in bed, if you know what I mean, and I think you do! [we do] so I just hopped right in there and did what I do best, if you know what I mean! [again, we do]" Needless to say Shelly is a role model for all. She saw something she wanted and wasn't going to let anything stop her. Ms. Anderson will also be known as the only woman in history to kill an elephant just by having sex with it. Other things she has killed by having sex with them? A turtle, a toaster, and Dr. Quinn medicine woman (the series). So Congratulations Shelly, you're a true American hero.

In other news, a baby was spawned by the encounter, and Shelly is keeping it. She says "abortion goes against her good Christian morals." She supports Fred Thompson.

Thai king puts nation in the vagina. (According to CNN.com)

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/12/01/thailand.king.ap/index.html

The title to this CNN article was "Thai king puts nation in the pink"... really? no one over there at CNN caught that? wow. okay, I know I'm not usually into these really short posts, but someone had to point this out. Maybe I will add more tomorrow.

Report: Drew Peterson, actually Boris from "Rocky and Bullwinkle"

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/12/02/missing.wife/index.html

In a startling report that surfaced today we find that Drew Peterson is actually Boris from the popular cartoon series "Rocky and Bullwinkle." We all thought that it had been decided that Jack Abramoff was actually Boris, but not so! Today "new evidence" surfaced that made it apparent that Drew Peterson, might just be "Really Shady" or "Boris" from "Rocky and Bullwinkle." Some truck drivers came forward and said they were hired to take a container to an "undisclosed position" so.... they don't know where they took it. really great drivers. good job truck driver company. I am never trusting you or Drew Peterson again! he stole my heart! and by the way. What the fuck was a middle aged cop doing married to a 20 yr old anyway? i mean really? he has a fucking mustache! why didn't anyone think that was weird?! what was that girl thinking?! what 20 yr old is attracted to a middle aged, 3 times divorced, cop. I say this because no one seems to be mentioning that. its all just like watching one of those movies where you totally know whats going to happen and you are just watching it unfold. A Lifetime movie. yes... hold on a second. I solved it. Stacy made Drew watch a Lifetime movie.

Stacy Peterson: 23

Drew Peterson: 53

Drew Peterson was 30 when she was born! 30!

I knew people that had kids when I was in middle school! (not just regular people. those really slutty girls in my 7th grade class. and we were all like..... damn. really? damn... I'm still really socially awkward, but her life peaked in 7th grade.. damn. that's going to be a long downward spiral...)

SHADY!!!!!

By the way...... wouldn't it be really funny if like right now Stacy really did turn up somewhere? having run off with another man? then we would all be like "Hey, our bad!" and then we would all get a good laugh and share drinks. awesome... that's not going to happen......



her body was stuffed in a plastic barrel.

And you thought YOUR aunt was crazy!

http://www.local10.com/news/14740373/detail.html

LAUDERHILL, Fla. a 12 yr old buy was stabbed in the eyes by his aunt who was also stabbed in the eye. Family tried to explain that it all happened when the boy found out that his aunt, who he had been sleeping with and ruling over "Thebes" (their living room) with was actually his mother. When asked for comment we were informed that the boy could not speak becasue he had chewed his tongue off. We then asked his mother (not the woman known as his aunt) about how all of this had happened, "Well see when aunt Clair comes over we all like to put on little shows in the living room, and with this show Clair and the boy just took things a little too far. It's all that damn Shakespeare's fault!" That last part set off alarm bells in our head and we went into action, here is why: The story that this all seems to be paralleling is the Greek tragedy Oedipus, and whilst Shakespeare is the known of many classic plays, this is not one of them. So we notified authorities and had a composite drawn up. The man is said to be of Caucasian descent, speaks in very "old English" and has a small beard and mustache. If you see this man, stay away and call the police! HE IS VERY VERY DANGEROUS!

GOP supports human cloning, Brings Jesus back.

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1689196,00.html?imw=Y

The GOP, a long time adversary of stem cell research, came out by saying it see's promise in a new technique that would make it possible for "those grubby little scientists" to get their "grubby little hands" on some stem cells "without crushing up babies into a stem cell puree." Head scientist, and GOP representative, Clark Honeywater said, "for a scientist that doesn't take commonplace ideas like 'evolution' seriously I have been under fire lately, but I think that's all about to change, after this latest discovery." He went on to say, "human cloning just isn't the way to go on this issue, something else had to be developed." When a reporter joked and said, "hey, wouldn't it be nice to bring back Reagan!" Everyone laughed, and then Honeywater kept laughing, but not like a normal laugh, like one of those awkward, it kind of goes on to long laughs. Then his laugh started echoing and an organ started playing in the background. It was creepy. Honeywater bid us farewell by saying, "If, you'll excuse me I must be off to my lair... I mean laboratory... have a nice evening" but he didn't fool anyone, we all clearly heard Honeywater say "lair". The reporter's and I then grabbed a dog, put on 70's clothes, and jumped in a van called the "Unsolved Quandary Machine" and set off into the night to play music and figure out what was going on up at old Honeywater's castle.

Park considers raising ride after rider loses feet, but just install's sign instead.

http://www.wlky.com/news/14731013/detail.html

So the Superman ride, at Six Flags, Kentucky, is responsible for a 13yr old girl losing her feet. Park officials sought to cover up the story and "just play it off as an Urban Legend" and even got the story included in an upcoming Urban Legend movie. But after long consideration, and media attention, park officials were thinking about raising the ride, but instead just installed a sign that says "Lift feet here." Park manager Bill Christen said it all came down to cost, "you see, it's like we have these issues of cost and it's just cheaper, more cost effective, to install the sign instead of raise the entire ride two more feet off the ground, I mean we can't pander to everybody, what if a really really tall guy comes in? What will we do then? Anyway I don't think this girl will be a problem anymore, because I think she's too short to actually ride the roller coaster now." We checked that last fact and it's true. We sat down with the girl, Cindy Link, to see what her take on the story was:

Cindy: Hey guys!

TheNewsReport (TNR): Hey.

Cindy: What are you guys up to?

TNR: What? wait why do you keep saying guys? There's only one of us, me.

Cindy: Okay, yeah that's cool.

TNR: Let's just get on with this... so how are you getting along at school?

Cindy: Oh pretty well.

TNR: Could you please elaborate?

Cindy: Well, I can't really walk now.

TNR: Do the other kids at school make fun of you? They do don't they, what do they say? Do they call you things like "Stumps" or "Slut"?

Cindy: Well if they say anything I just laugh it off and say that Superman cut off my feet!

TNR: That's Impossible.

Cindy: What? That's what happened?

TNR: The super hero Superman took off your feet.

Cindy: yes.

TNR: The superhero that was sent to earth and powered by the sun's rays, in order to fight crime and save children cut off your feet?

Cindy: yes.

TNR: You obviously don't know anything about superhero's

Cindy: What? You're not making any sense.

TNR: I'm not making sense? You're the one that just said the superhero, sent from galaxies far away just to come and help people like you out, cut off a 13yr old girls feet!

Cindy: Stop!

TNR: NO YOU STOP! THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER, WHORE!