Finally! A Practical Use for Animals!

Well, my dreams have finally come true. For years I watched The Flintstones and tried mixing cement in a pelican's mouth and using a hummingbird's beak to play my records, but unlike my prehistoric idols, I've ended up nothing but scratches (on my face and records) and nasty messes on my carpet. Science is finally on the same page as Hannah Barbarah. In Japan, they have used an electric eel to light a Christmas tree. I know you're thinking "wait, they just did that now? I mean, we've known about the electric eel for a while now and we just found a way to use it for electricity? We're really not that bright." Or maybe thinking "The Japanese celebrate Christmas? (shrug)." But, you know what this means, right? All this pissing and moaning about energy crises can stop! We can just exploit the animals. Where were you on that one Al Gore? So eels will power cars and computers and airplanes and phone chargers. They're portable, light-weight, and pocket-size (if you roll them up a la Bubble Tape).

Now, while I congratulate the Japanese for developing this "technology," I also have to give them a disapproving head shake. It seems eel is a delicacy in Japan. So, Japan: STOP EATING MY PORTABLE POWER OUTLET! I have margaritas to blend. Also, with all the free time you'll have not eating eels, please make a power adapter so we can use them in the US.

Opossums are also ugly and abundant. Can we do something with them?

Army pays WWII vet $725 just so you can have excuse to ignore the homeless ones. Thanks Army!

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/12/12/soldier.back.pay/index.html

So who hasn't been in this situation. You're sitting in a restaurant, eating lobster, steamed, just a hint of butter, delicious. You also ordered the garlic bread and some of those cheesy rolls, then you top it off with that nice vintage wine that Paula has just been "raving" about. Then you go outside after the nice meal, and see a sick, disgusting, nasty, scum of the earth, trashy, bacteria infested, rotting, festering, old WWII vet begging for money or "just a bite to eat." It ruins your night right?! I hate it! Well usually we all just keep walking and try not to make eye contact (because that really sets them off) but then you feel like you should have a slight bit of guilt. Well not anymore! The army paid a WWII vet $725 for wrongful imprisonment. Well this is great news! I personally chose to not look at any of the pictures of the guy, it just makes it easier. So the good news is that now when a homeless person asks for change just say "HEY didn't you get 725 dollars the other day?!". Next Point: Old people are looting the treasury, We don't have money to spend on stupid things like sick and homeless people, we need to send money to Iraq or as I call it now. "Operation: not as bad as you think, seriously I swear" Which means that when all the Iraq vets are homeless and crazy we can all be like "Hey! didn't we already give you billions of dollars?! you should have invested better, that's all I'm saying! or maybe just not have been born so poor. Why did you join the army anyway?! don't you have enough money to pay your way through school? I mean I had enough money to go to an Ivy League and study "major undetermined" and if I can do that than anybody can! see, story of inspiration! anything is possible if you just get born white upper class and attractive! Try that next time! Ya know I believe in reincarnation so..... maybe you should think about not spending so much time trying to survive and get moving on speeding up the dieing process, you'll be born rich before you know it!" Now if you do this right you'll be able to convince them to jump in front of the next train and then its like BAM! no more annoying person to ignore! turn on your iPod your day just got a little bit brighter!

I Always Wanted a Big Brother

Headline: As Ask Erases Little, Google and Others Keep Writing About You

We at The News Report are the "others" they're talking about. Yeah, we know all about you. And just like in high school, we're going to talk about you behind your back. We've heard you've gotten really fat and that your acne never cleared up. Oh, we know all about that back-alley abortion too. What a whore you are. Who was the baby daddy... oh, that's right, you don't know. You can go ahead and blame it on your workaholic father, or never moving beyond the "phallic" stage of development, but we all know that you just like the attention. We saw you making out with Brian behind the bleechers at homecoming. Oh we all know about you... and we're talking.

Good luck with that bedwetting problem,
The News Report

Fred Thompson: "Is this over yet? can we get KFC? pleeeeease!!!"

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2007/12/11/fred-thompson-is-done-with-new-hampshire/

Republicans hoping for a real talking robot boy microphone and play set for Christmas, will be sadly disappointed. Due to the fact that "real talking robot boy microphone and play set" or Fred Thompson will no longer be campaigning in New Hampshire. He is currently running fifth in the state and said "it was time to go, fifth is good enough for me" Thompson doesn't seem to realize that if you don't win there's really no point in wasting all of that money that could have, oh I don't know.. helped sick children or something. Campaign manager Dirk Ferdson said, "Fred is on Law and Order, so we think that polls really don't matter in this situation. 'dunh dunh' see when people hear that they think law and order and... oh well to tell you the truth I don't really know where this is going. We are just kind of dicking around..." However Thompson has been running a solid campaign based on the issues of making teen mothers ruin their lives to "put them in their place" and well that's really the only issue, he's almost hard to make fun of because he is so irrelevant.

Breeder's Cup: Not Just for Horses Anymore

Headline: Breeders' Cup adds three new races for 2008

After a 50 year absence, the Breeder's Cup is finally adding new races for humans. The races stopped in the mid-1950's because of the Irish monopoly in all three races: Number, Proximity of Births, and Baby Weight (all those potatos). But due to some recent trends, it now seems there will be enough competition to warrant the reinstatement of these races. The front runners continue to be the irrepressable Irish, but you can also expect the Trailer Trash to make a good showing. And, though The News Report does not encourage illegal gambling, I'm going to put all my money on the Christian Fundamentalists this year. You've all seen The Duggars on The Discovery Channel. That time when they met that other Christian family and their litter. Man, oh man, the Christian Fundamentalists will be hard to beat this year. It looks like the Irish's only hope is if they decide to add a Social Skills race and/or drinking race.

CNN.com promises more than it can deliver. Think about that before you swear that "CNN.com is a really great guy" and go on that first date.

http://www.cnn.com/POLITICS/

Readers of CNN.com's Politics page were slightly put off when they were trying to waste time again today. An In-Depth report into the matter revealed this: CNN.com is trying to run more stories than they have and we caught them. Now wait just one second there mister before you run outside telling all of your "bud's" that they can "suck it because you won the CNN.com bet that you guys placed last Friday in the waiting room of Chilli's while there were obviously tables open." CNN.com pulled a fast one today and I for one am hurt. I read CNN.com almost everyday, I check in with politics, and I look at all of the different stories, and it's like Christmas everyday, but today it was like coming down those stairs on Christmas morning and just seeing a pile of dirty laundry with a dead bird next to it (and it even looked like it had been there for a couple days but I guess you just didn't notice). If you look at the headlines listed you will notice that there are three that really like that Oprah and Obama's names start with an "O". Another three that really want Mitt Romney to be interesting, and then the writers got really lazy and just stuck the same article on there twice about Huckabee. The truth is, those stories just aren't even really that great to start out with! come on why don't you take a cue from us here at TheNewsReport, if news is boring then just MAKE IT UP! No one is really going to care anyway, you may even get to put an impoverished nation in it's place when you're doing it! I'm talking about you "Democratic Republic of Congo!" Who wouldn't enjoy a good story about Romney's three secret wives?! I know I would! What about that hot new lead I got today about McCain's Vietnamese love child who has just come back into his life?! That's news gold! There you can have it! Make it grow. Remember you report the truth, and that won't change even if you make the stories up. People will still believe every word you say. CNN.com we can get through this, I believe in you.

Tapes of al Qaeda interrogations destroyed: Taped over with football game and episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond"

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/12/06/cia.videotapes/index.html

CIA Director, Michael Hayden, stated today that a number of al Qaeda interrogations tapes had been destroyed. Hayden downplayed the news by stating "there was nothing really of note on them, just mainly footage of a pizza party we had on September 11th, no not celebrating that. It was a birthday for one of the inmates and we always have pizza and cake whenever it is an inmates birthday." When asked why the tapes had been taped over with an episode of the hit series "Everybody Loves Raymond" he responded saying, "Well, I mean, simply put, it was a really great episode! Raymond didn't want to eat the sandwich that his wife had made, and it reminded me of something MY wife once did!" All of the reporters laughed and said that they "could understand the situation" Hayden then promised that it "wouldn't happen again." He even stated that he "Crossed his heart, hoped to die, stick a needle in his eye." So we said "Fair enough!" and that was that! Nothing shady there! Then we all gathered around and watched ABC family. It was a nice quite evening at home with Hayden and the news gang, then we all got into bed together and had a pillow fight! WHAT A NIGHT!