New Facebook = New Coke

So the News Report will be coming back soon. I was distracted by starting a company etc... Anyway, we here at TNR are frequent Facebook users, so you can imagine our surprise when we began hearing reports that a "new" facebook had emerged. At first we didn't believe it, but then it happened. New Facebook arrived. So why is it that these big companies, think that their very successful product needs to be updated. New Coke failed. and so will New Facebook. It's clunky and too complicated to navigate. Granted this is a result from Facebook trying to find a way to make money from their platform by incorporating more ads. i.e. If we break up everyones profile into 4 pages then everyone will view 4 pages (with ads) instead of 1 when stalking their ex's. Ultimately this ruins the main draw of Facebook, it's simplicity, the main difference between Facebook and myspace was that Facebook was like a girl you could show your parents and Myspace was like the dirty whore that you occasionally checked out but wouldn't seriously do anything with. It was clean simple and standardized. Now its standardized and kinda clean (looks like a teenagers bedroom with clothes and stuff piled all over) and not at all really that simple. It's like if Apple was like maybe we should "update" the iphone and gave us one of those clunky phones from the 1990's. It's just doesn't make sense, Facebook. you were winning your game, but now you're trying to be myspace. stick with what your good at, or else your sub par profits will be even more sub par, maybe you should just stop overstating them in the first place.

"News Report" Reporters report being reported missing for month.

Hello dear readers, those of you which still exist. I must report that fellow "The News Report" reporters and myself were kidnapped a month ago, and no one reported us missing. I think that the main reason for this is that I am lacking certain assets that would make me an appealing target for the news media. Interestingly enough it's those same assets that make people like "us" so appealing to predators. We here at The News Report met our attacker online. We started talking to him in an internet chat room... He made us feel cool and "neat". Well before we knew it one thing had led to another and we were sending each other suggestive emails and photos. One entitled "Please Report: There are indications your blogger account may be suspended for posting infringing content" was particularly suggestive. At first we didn't like what he was suggesting but then we grew to feel safe around him and thought that he was protecting us. We decided to meet up with him (BIG MISTAKE) at the Wendy's on 55th. Everything started out all right, we sat down and it was cool. We both said "Hi" and then he proceeded to kidnap all of us. and lock us in his basement. We had to miss the holiday's and everything! and no one even left a comment on our The News Report site wondering where we were?! Weren't you worried??????!??!?!

Well we are back now and more bitter than ever!

THE MOST IMPORTANT NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR!

http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/12/19/spears.pregnant.feedback/index.html

Well I hope you are excited as I am, it's been a long time coming, but I knew 2007 would pull though. This, my friends, is the MOST IMPORTANT NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR! Now make sure you're sitting down and not awkwardly standing with your laptop in your hands trying to hold it level and scroll using the touch pad at the same time. Okay here it goes.....

JAMIE LYNN SPEARS is PREGGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES! WE DID IT!

THANK YOU GOD! Just when you thought it couldn't get any more trashy than Britney, Jamie Lynn comes in and does this. I have to say this was the highlight of my year, this is definitely better than anything Britney has done, even shaving her head... why? because Britney has an excuse, she is old, washed up, and just completely crazy. But as far as trashy goes Jamie Lynn has proved she has got what it takes to carry on the family name. At 16 Jamie Lynn just became the pregnant girl you sit next to in math. DAMN! No longer will we refer to her as the "normal" one! YES! This couldn't get any better. I have to say here at The News Report (TNR) we have already switched the name of our "Holiday Fun Party" to "Jamie Lyn Spears is a whore! Let's Drink!" I don't know if that is even a good name but we just keep saying it!

You thought Sean Preston was going to turn out bad? just wait until you see the sequel... Seriously Jamie Lyn just got her license! She isn't even expected to drive well yet! What hijinks are in store for 2008? Only time will tell! I wonder if they will write in a pregnancy plot twist for her Nickelodeon show? That show is so unbelievably awful I'm sure the viewers won't notice anyway. Here are some suggestions:

Have Jamie Lynn's character get impregnated by aliens....

or Have Jamie Lynn's character get infested with tape worms...

or Have Jamie Lynn's character have to wear a "pregnancy suit" at school.

So now for the best part! What?! You thought it couldn't get any better?!!!?!?!?! OH BUT IT DOES! Duhhhhh!!!!! what about the parents of the fans?? Reactions?!!

Evidently parents are in shock and awe about the fact that Britney Spears' sister is a giant whore! What will my kids think?! She's 16!?! I know for a fact that no 16 yr old has ever even thought about sex, they just don't know the mechanics. It's a pretty complicated thing to do. I know I need at least 75 to 80 mins to even start thinking about thinking about it, because I mean I have to take my laundry to the laundry mat and by the time I put my shoes on and walk three blocks, then I'm going to be cold and I will just want to make macaroni, and then by the time I eat that it will be time to go to sleep because I need at least 9.5 hours in order to not be a dick at work tomorrow. so ALL I'M SAYING IS it's not like kids that are 16 are even thinking about sex, Jamie Lynn is a freak. and we should treat her as such.

This all comes when the movie "Juno" is in theaters, which is about a 16 yr old girl who is pregnant, and it's getting rave reviews! It may also be one of the worst movies ever, full of hipster bullshit. But that movie takes the hipster philosophy which I think Jamie Lynn should adopt. Just complain about everything, be "too good" for absolutely everything, and then once you have the baby everything will go back to normal and everybody will be okay and happy!


Stay tuned for a special News Report in the coming weeks...


"The News Report does The Spears's... At the same Time!"

A rich person's dog worth more than lives of poor family of 3

http://www.kitv.com/family/14878295/detail.html

HONOLULU, yeah I know you've lost interest already. I mean who cares about islands anyway, the way I see it is, they should go back where they came from. I don't need islands coming in to my ocean and pushing me around! Go to H-E-Double hockey sticks Islanders! You don't even make sense, island people. Okay so I guess some guy on a golf course got his dog stolen! OH MY GOD! This story really needed to make the long journey across the ocean, but wait, there's a twist! I guess the people who stole it killed it and ate it because their family needed to eat. HOW DARE THEY! That guy at the golf course had named the dog after his Caddy! the dogs name was Caddy! I mean seriously I am in total shock that this guy wouldn't just starve his family! Caddy's life was obviously way more important! Now who is the owner going to play catch with! But there is good news! now the guy who stole the dog to feed his family is going to face charges, and with any luck he will end up in jail where they will serve him meals every day! A true Christmas miracle!


.... rest of family will just die I guess. True Christmas Miracle!

Abbott & Costello Write the News

Headline: WHO probes Pakistan's first bird flu death

-I don't know. Who probes Pakistan's first bird flu death?
- I told you. WHO probes Pakistan's first bird flu death.

Comedy writers are on strike. And we can tell.

I want everyone to be very afraid of this bird flu epidemic. You will likely die from it. In fact, to serve the public, I'd like to name a few other things that you are equally as likely to die from: drowning in the shower, toxic wallpaper dye inhalation (hey, it happened to Napoleon), being mauled by a polar bear, choking on a pen top, and freezing to death while attempting to stuff a chicken with snow. My advice? Avoid showering, wallpaper, polar bears, pens, snow, and chicken, especially chicken, and you will not die this holiday season or ever.

Finally! A Practical Use for Animals!

Well, my dreams have finally come true. For years I watched The Flintstones and tried mixing cement in a pelican's mouth and using a hummingbird's beak to play my records, but unlike my prehistoric idols, I've ended up nothing but scratches (on my face and records) and nasty messes on my carpet. Science is finally on the same page as Hannah Barbarah. In Japan, they have used an electric eel to light a Christmas tree. I know you're thinking "wait, they just did that now? I mean, we've known about the electric eel for a while now and we just found a way to use it for electricity? We're really not that bright." Or maybe thinking "The Japanese celebrate Christmas? (shrug)." But, you know what this means, right? All this pissing and moaning about energy crises can stop! We can just exploit the animals. Where were you on that one Al Gore? So eels will power cars and computers and airplanes and phone chargers. They're portable, light-weight, and pocket-size (if you roll them up a la Bubble Tape).

Now, while I congratulate the Japanese for developing this "technology," I also have to give them a disapproving head shake. It seems eel is a delicacy in Japan. So, Japan: STOP EATING MY PORTABLE POWER OUTLET! I have margaritas to blend. Also, with all the free time you'll have not eating eels, please make a power adapter so we can use them in the US.

Opossums are also ugly and abundant. Can we do something with them?

Army pays WWII vet $725 just so you can have excuse to ignore the homeless ones. Thanks Army!

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/12/12/soldier.back.pay/index.html

So who hasn't been in this situation. You're sitting in a restaurant, eating lobster, steamed, just a hint of butter, delicious. You also ordered the garlic bread and some of those cheesy rolls, then you top it off with that nice vintage wine that Paula has just been "raving" about. Then you go outside after the nice meal, and see a sick, disgusting, nasty, scum of the earth, trashy, bacteria infested, rotting, festering, old WWII vet begging for money or "just a bite to eat." It ruins your night right?! I hate it! Well usually we all just keep walking and try not to make eye contact (because that really sets them off) but then you feel like you should have a slight bit of guilt. Well not anymore! The army paid a WWII vet $725 for wrongful imprisonment. Well this is great news! I personally chose to not look at any of the pictures of the guy, it just makes it easier. So the good news is that now when a homeless person asks for change just say "HEY didn't you get 725 dollars the other day?!". Next Point: Old people are looting the treasury, We don't have money to spend on stupid things like sick and homeless people, we need to send money to Iraq or as I call it now. "Operation: not as bad as you think, seriously I swear" Which means that when all the Iraq vets are homeless and crazy we can all be like "Hey! didn't we already give you billions of dollars?! you should have invested better, that's all I'm saying! or maybe just not have been born so poor. Why did you join the army anyway?! don't you have enough money to pay your way through school? I mean I had enough money to go to an Ivy League and study "major undetermined" and if I can do that than anybody can! see, story of inspiration! anything is possible if you just get born white upper class and attractive! Try that next time! Ya know I believe in reincarnation so..... maybe you should think about not spending so much time trying to survive and get moving on speeding up the dieing process, you'll be born rich before you know it!" Now if you do this right you'll be able to convince them to jump in front of the next train and then its like BAM! no more annoying person to ignore! turn on your iPod your day just got a little bit brighter!