Finally! A Practical Use for Animals!

Well, my dreams have finally come true. For years I watched The Flintstones and tried mixing cement in a pelican's mouth and using a hummingbird's beak to play my records, but unlike my prehistoric idols, I've ended up nothing but scratches (on my face and records) and nasty messes on my carpet. Science is finally on the same page as Hannah Barbarah. In Japan, they have used an electric eel to light a Christmas tree. I know you're thinking "wait, they just did that now? I mean, we've known about the electric eel for a while now and we just found a way to use it for electricity? We're really not that bright." Or maybe thinking "The Japanese celebrate Christmas? (shrug)." But, you know what this means, right? All this pissing and moaning about energy crises can stop! We can just exploit the animals. Where were you on that one Al Gore? So eels will power cars and computers and airplanes and phone chargers. They're portable, light-weight, and pocket-size (if you roll them up a la Bubble Tape).

Now, while I congratulate the Japanese for developing this "technology," I also have to give them a disapproving head shake. It seems eel is a delicacy in Japan. So, Japan: STOP EATING MY PORTABLE POWER OUTLET! I have margaritas to blend. Also, with all the free time you'll have not eating eels, please make a power adapter so we can use them in the US.

Opossums are also ugly and abundant. Can we do something with them?